cruisin' together... from sister

So last weekend I went to a harbor cruise.  I was excited because it wasn't work related and some of my girlfriends came along.  I knew the DJ, and he always plays really good music, so its all very exciting right?

I am walking on the boat and I heard something about "class of 79" and was like gross, thats 2 years before I was born, this boat is going to be full of old people.  And my friends with me were even younger... so grosser to them.  But as we got on the boat we saw that the ages really spread out, from like 20-60.  So whatever, we went on with our night.

The DJ was great, the guy with the microphone was horridly annoying.  He kept on saying stuff about the SHS class of '79- and I thought nothing of it.  S could stand for a million towns!  Then towards the end of the ride, the announcer said class of '79 was celebrating their collective 50th birthdays, and I totally had a flashback- it felt much like That's So Raven's premonition looks on the show- where I remember my aunt telling my dad, my uncle (they are tripletts) and my mom (she went to high school with them) that their High School reunion is celebrating their 50th birthday on a boat- and their school began with S!  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  I AM ON A BOAT WITH MY PARENT'S CLASSMATES?  When I told them who I was they argued if I looked more like mom or dad, etc...

So the reason I am telling this story now is because I am SO MAD that brother was on this cruise with me, because after I left I text him the story like "oh this is so lame, I am so mad I am surrounded by old people" and he was like "no this is amazing, why don't you have them drunk dial our parents?"

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!  So disappointed in myself.   See, we are funnier when we are codependent.

weird dudes from sister

The other day a guy I was talking to decided to tell me that during sex he likes to be the woman.

Dress up in lingerie, get boned by the girl.

Seriously?

We don't talk anymore.

But that really happens?!  my dating life is bananas

Plan a go?

Sis is ready for our plan. She bought Popsicles. How can one eat a taco in a way that turns women on? Comments would be appreciated. Ladies what do men eat that get your engines going? Roast beef sandwiches? Fish tacos? Hopefully Pebbles will discuss this in Monday's "Ladies Room"

Brother, where art thou

Uhm I love the post below
the same thing happens to me at lesbian places
and I hope you come back from D.C. with equally amazing stories
remember that time I was out with you and your friends and the dude walked up to me and started talking to me. I was so naive that I thought he was talking to HotfromToughChick but I soon realized he was talking to me... rough
have fun sis!
~Bro

target audiences OR pink tacos for dinner?

I don't know how well brother's true blood plan will go- we also live in a very WHITE town, and white people generally aren't into me.

Case and point:  my rendezvous with a football team

One of my favorite people plays on a national women's football team.  On Saturday, me and my lovely BBL (black boy lover) went to her game.  It was fun, but LONG- I am not a football girl.  They won 70-8, it was bananas.  Football should definitely have a slaughter rule.

Anyways, as you probably guess, the football player is a lesbian.  One of the things BBL and I did to pass the time during the game is we went through the brochure to pick out who we thought was straight or gay.  Turns out we WAY overestimated the straightness of the team, because when the game finished and we say the football player, she went through the book and told us who was ACTUALLY gay and straight.  Four.  Out of 48.  4 of 48 were straight... this after party was going to be interesting.  But we were gonna go, cause there were hot black male single coaches there.   And since we were of the 6 straight females around, we had really good chances.

Between the game and the after party, BBL and I walked around a bit, and BBL told me how she never gets hit on by women.  This was honestly surprising to me as BBL has a lot of lesbian friends, and she is just one of those constantly smiley friendly caretakery ladies.  Plus, even though she doesn't remember doing it (the bottle is a cruel mistress, hahahahah), she sometimes dares people to kiss or do other ridiculous things, and says "if you do __________ sister and I will kiss."  So I always thought she had a little pinch of gayness to her... but I am guessing lesbians have better gaydar then I do so I am going with the fact that I am wrong.

So we get to the after party and it is at a Mexican restaurant... the kind that turns into a bar at 10 or whatever.  It is PACKED with the ladies.  Like, if we were not in the middle of the city, I would worry about a bear attack.  Boys probably got mad excited about the bar walking by and then went in and were like oh, this is hopeless.  

The encounters started with me... and quickly.  First, when we walked in we were essentially standing in the middle of the restaurant- tables on either side of us and I felt very much in the way.  Then one of the football players teammates LOOKED like she was dodging around me, and I said "sorry I can't seem to get out of the way" and she goes, "I am not trying to dodge you, I am trying to dance with you" and we laughed and I thought that moment was over.  But seconds later, she squeezed behind me (please note that there was nothing close enough behind me to warrant the tight body squeeze) running her hands down my back and patting my bum.  I looked at BBL and she laughed at me.

Once we spotted the sexy black coaches, I told BBL to not stand so close to me- that I didn't want people to think we are a couple.  Then I was explained that we COULDN'T be a couple cause we are two fems.

sidebar- If I was a lesbian, I would do it all the way.  Meaning, I would have a beautiful girlfriend and I would never, ever shave my head and I would always wear make up.  I find the whole dating a girl that looks like a boy thing ultra confusing.

Then somehow the conversation of "who would be the butch" between me and BBL came up and the football player said BBL.  This was confusing to me.  First, there isn't a whole lot of difference in the way BBL and I look- she is skinnier than me and has darker hair and fairer skin.  I think we are the same amount of pretty.  And she was wearing like a pretty sweater thing and I had a tshirt on- granted the boobs were out kind of shirt, but I was not dressed super nicely.  Maybe cause I had big earrings?  lol who knows.

As the night wore on though, I found out BBL was right, she did not get hit on by girls.  SHE GOT THE HOT COACHES.  Some butch huh?  I, on the other hand, learned that my target audience is gender neutral- you don't have to be a black, fairly ghetto man to like me.  You have to just be black and fairly ghetto.

I am saving the best for last so keep that in mind for the time line.  

At one point a lesbian who was not on the football team, but was like the hook up friend of one of the players walked in.  Only keen eyes like mine, who went to an all-girls college, would even think this was a woman at all.  She wore real baggy jeans, a huge jacket, was bald and looked like any thug hanging on a corner of blue hill ave at any given time.  Looked like she had been through the ringer- looked like she had shot a gun at someone kind of chick.  or at least carried a knife.  Anyways, she was tough looking, and mighty scary.  And I walked by and she stared at me and said to her friend "Hey, I am still technically single" and proceeded to follow me through the bar.  Quickly, I ran into my football player and she started to do that party boy dance thing on me and we laughed, and then baldy pretty much pushed through me to talk to football player.  She pointed at me and said "this your woman?"

Really?  I am property now?

Then fucking football player, whose actual girlfriend WAS there, totally freaked "no, nonononono, oh my god no, we just went to college together.  No. nonono."

Thanks a lot, cunt.  A. lets not act like that is the single most insulting thing any one has ever said to you please.  and B. WHY AREN'T YOU UNDERSTANDING THE SEVERITY OF THIS SITUATION.  This bitch is scary as fuck and already treats me like a possession.  Get me out NOW.

So baldy looks up at me and I say "oh yeah I am just a friend visiting... we haven't seen eachother in a long time, I am not....here for that?" and it seemed to work.  She walked away.  Looked like she was gonna eat me (not in the fun way) for the rest of the night, but at least she didn't talk to me again.

But the last one, she was the worst.  Cause I think she took me being nice as flirting, and that can always be a disaster.

When we first got there, BBL, football player, and I went to the bar to get some drinks.  We could not physically get to the bar but this big, linebacker looking chick with her dreads in pigtails ordered our drinks for us.  I ordered a 7 and 7 but the restaurant didn't know what that was... so I just said whiskey and sprite.  Pigtails looks at me and goes "whiskey?" and then gives me a face.

Later in the night I was dancing a little and she came up and kinda danced with me, then leaned in real close and whispered "I can't dance" and walked away.  This was odd to me.  Is it a secret?  Are we sharing secrets now?

After that, she was on the dance floor again and started arguing with me about something (I can't even remember what it was, though now looking back I guess I can see it was all a little cat and mouse flirty) and then I asked football player what pigtails name was again, and pigtails got MAD.  So I went straight back up to her, mad challenging, and said "do you remember my name?" and she goes "whiskey"  and I said "well that doesn't really count does it?"  Again, writing this, I can see how it seemed flirty to someone who was interested, as I kept entertaining it.

Later still, she kept complaining that I was nursing my drinks.  I told her I didn't want to get drunk.  She asked if I was driving, and I said no.  Then she proceeded to try to talk me into getting drunk.  When I didn't budge on not drinking, she pulled me over to her between her LEGS by my pant waste and stood up and looked mad intense on me and said "you coming to the game next week?"  I pulled myself away from her saying no, I would be in DC.  She said "oh are you going for pride week?"  I made her repeat it because I didn't understand, but then it dawned on me... this bitch thinks I am gay too!  I know, not too swift of me.  So I said "oh, no no. I am going to visit a friend"  Then pigtails looked at me puzzled, and I could see the "she isn't gay" light go on in her head.  Then she looked a little deflated and stopped talking to me completely for the night.

It was all very interesting.  Maybe since my first 95% gay party was with a bunch of football playing lesbians, and maybe it would be different to hit up just a gay club but this was an experience for the books.  And BBL, I won, lol

2 in one night?!?!!? what the what?

I felt like I needed another post, because that last one makes me look like a homicidal maniac, and I only let girls know that on the 4th date.

Also, I haven't contributed in months, getting an advanced degree n' all

So True Blood season 4 is coming... and we no longer have HBO and cannot get HBO.
This is a serious problem
But we live in a VERY wealthy town and I have a plan
Sister and I are going to pose outside local supermarket (because single people have to shop)
Sister will be sucking on a Popsicle or something phallic 
Brother will be eating a roast beef sandwich or eating the meat out of a taco
people will pass and conversations will go like this

Guy #1 - What are you doing?
Us in unison- being sexy! you watch True Blood? (everything we say will be in unison and with a southern "sistah" drawl)
Guy #1 - No
Us - Go away!

Chick #1  - What are you doing?
Us in unison- being sexy! you watch True Blood?
Chick #1 - No
Us - Go away!

Swinger Couple- What are you doing?
Us in unison- being sexy! you watch True Blood?
Guy #1 - Yes
Us - that's all the payment we need

the plan is flawless

I am working on my sexy pose right now

updates on how it all plays out

~Brother

Meaner on the inside - by brother

The thoughts in my head are sometimes so mean I cannot share them...

This might be the only time I should ever write about what happened at Toys R' Us in Winter of 2006

It was a Friday and I managed to not have work or class on Fridays for most of college. It was a few weeks before Christmas, and I get it in my head that because othersister works at a poor school, that I would get her a video microscope (she was a science teacher for inmates in training) [also a side note: notice how bad things happen to me when I think to be nice or kind...- see karaoke in A.J. Wright - I think Jesus wants me to be mean.] What I failed to do is check the weather report. It had not snowed really at all yet that winter and was not snowing when I left, it might have even been sunny outside.

reader: "Well brother, why would you need to check the weather if it was nice outside?

Well, reader of this blog, what I failed to notice was that there was going to be a snow storm starting that night and it would continue into Monday... meaning every Mother is going to be out shopping for Christmas presents - the presents they were planning on getting during the weekend. The fact that is was Noon helped nothing, these moms were out in force to get presents before their kids got home from school.
So finding the present was east enough. There was one left (nice!) and I went on my merry way to the checkout counter...
...
I stand in line behind an old woman
another woman in her late 30s (but looked used like a 60 year old) stands behind me
then I feel it
this bitch behind me is pushing her cart against me
... this is okay, i just bump it a little to show her I am here, no harm in that...
she keeps pushing her cart into me, not a rough push but she thinks that pushing her cart against me will magically do something
then the old woman... (being a woman and old means she is going to be a pain in the ass) of course starts complaining about the price but was so wrong that the store literally could not appease this woman.
I am behind this old bitch with my feet firmly planted and trying to keep myself from being crushed by this large bitch behind me
is this woman trying to run me over? Am I going to die here? If I die holding a video microscope that looks like an eyeball I hope no one mourns for me... it's how I want to go. DOES THIS C**T THINK THAT I AM GOING TO GIVE HER MY SPOT BECAUSE SHE IS PLOWING ME DOWN? OH HELLZZZZ NO!
I turn, pull her cart towards me, then slam it back "BACK UP BITCH! THAT HARD SURFACE YOU HAVE BEEN PUSHING INTO FOR FIVE MINUTES IS A PERSON YOU MORON!"
at this point the woman in front of me is still insisting that the sign she is holding that says stuffed dog toys 40% off applies to her Lego Star Wars set - so I naturally unleash my wrath on her
"HEFFER - you are wrong, stop being such a fucking douche and pay for your shit, if you don't have the money - GO AWAY!"
naturally things move smoothly for me from then on out
Heffer in front pays and books it, lady in back finds a new line, I pay a go on my way... assuming police will be there any second...
As I walk toward my car I see it.
Some butt-face-tryna-be-cute-but-is-a-used-up-whore walked her carriage straight into my car (3 spaces away from the carriage corral) oh no this bitch did not just do that (I do not have a nice car, and sure she's got some rough patches but she's mine...)
I book it toward my car
she sees me pull this cart off of my car and book it toward her. She turns with this smug look that if she were a dude I would punch off her whore face and I just say in the calmest voice I can muster:
"I hope your house burns down before Christmas"
I get in my car
and I walk away

Sister- you have been trumped.

Evil thy name is brother

(don't worry, I've gotten much less angry - no need for 24/7 watch)