Christmas at Casa de Codependency

This year, brother is on a decorating rampage... but like a poor kids decorating rampage.  Our tree looks like a charlie brown christmas... and its new.  And its in the kitchen.  He pulled out all the stockings he could find- I have to say I have an awful lot of stockings with my name on them... why?

Anyways, he went to the parentals this weekend... I can't wait til he gets home to see what I have done.  But, readers, imma need you to pray for me, cause if I die anytime before Christmas I am definitely, definitely going to hell.

Will post pics tomorrow!!

TOOO many hugs- from sister

Here is the deal,
I don't like to be hugged.  Outside of the idea of hugging a like dude that I am with or a friend I haven't seen in a long long time, I really dont' like to be hugged.   I am more of a kiss on the cheek kinda girl.

I think my start of my hug hatred started with my mom. We are the same height, and she is a strong front hugger.  She does this weird thing where she hunches up her shoulders trying to be like cute before she moves in for the kill.  Makes me SO mad... its literally irritating me thinking of it.  The REAL issue is, though, I dont like the idea of my mom and my boobs being pressed against each other.  It makes me massively uncomfortable.  I know it is ridiculous.  But I am ridiculous... so its par for the course.  (for example, I also very much don't want to breast feed IF i EVER have babies- which will happen by accident- my boobs are for fun, nothing else.)

Our family, particularly my weirdo brothers, are very big huggers though.  Makes me wonder where I came from.  Often the two will have long hugs to weird eachother out.  It mostly makes the people around them uncomfortable.  And sometimes, they attack hug, which makes me want to DIE.  Sometimes it puts us in awkward situations... like at my grandmother's wake.  I uncharacteristically hugged the littlest brother, and as I was brother came up and group hugged me.  Then dad rushes over because he thinks I am crying.  Then I felt like a douche because I was not crying.

See... hugs are never good.

So today, I particularly want to die. We have to keep in mind three things.  1. As stated I don't like hugs.  2.  As stated, I am weird about my boobs.  3. (maybe stated in a previous post) I wear bras ALL THE TIME at home if brother is home.  So normally when he comes home I like run in my bedroom and throw one on.

So today was an annoying, sad, frustrating night for me.  Knowing this, brother came in to awkward hug me.  BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A BRA ON!!  The whole thing was awful.  And awkward.  But it made me remember our blog... so every negative has a positive!

I am back... thanks for reading!

what a cunt

Cunty McCunterson, AKA brother puts all my business out there.

I have a date tonight... I don't wanna talk about who it is with. 
Anywho... this is what he posts on Facebook:

(Sister)  won't tell me who she is going on a date with tonight. what if she gets murdered or something, how will I know who killed her? obviously I will have to follow her to kings in dedham

 So NOW everyone is hitting me up about this... fucker.  And clearly his friends don't actually know him, cause they think he is concerned.  He isn't concerned, he is being douchy.

  So the question I have for you, faithful blog readers, is do I really have to share EVERYTHING with brother???

what brother says about the hurricane

Brother and I have had quite a weird breakfast this fine Saturday.

After I told my brother how I met an adorable man last night, I quickly found out he was 23.  As I am 29, Brother is 24, and we have theothersister between us, so this is awkward.  I quickly became Matthew McConaughey for the remainder of the conversation.  Then I say

"Am I a cougar"

Brother: "No but you will be in three years"

Me (After my face completely dropped) "I AM ONLY THREE YEARS AWAY FROM BEING A COUGAR?!!" 

Brother: Yeah, you are almost ten years older"

And then he fell off the chair laughing.

Fucker.

Later:

Me: "Bristol RI is evacuating because of the upcoming hurricane"

Brother: "Why is everyone freaking out!  1- we are above sea-level (I tried to tell him that we are not in Bristol but whatever) and 2- we are white! nothing bad is going to happen to us!  the government cares about us!"

Happy Saturday people

Can't tell twitter what I can tell my brother

Today I thought of two really funny, period related things that MAY be hysterical on twitter or people will write me off as the grossest person alive.  One of the two.  So I said to myself, eh, I will just text it to brother. 

Instead I am putting it on here.

1st period thought:  I really want to go to hot yoga today, but is hot yoga and period a savory mix?  probably not.  will I attract bears?

2nd- geez I made this french toast really sweet, I am consuming so much sugar right now!  but a baby wants what a baby wants, even if its dying.

When you are willing to share those kind of thoughts with your brother and not the world... well you see my conundrum

Have a good day readers!

and we have developed a NEW most embarrassing moment.

Brother has now reached his most EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF ALL TIME...(say that in an echo-y voice please)

So my friend and I came back home one night and all the lights were on- and lets face it, I am the only wasteful one in the house and brother was here when I left, so I knew he was home.  So I called out to him "brother?" and couldn't really find him... it was MUY confusing.  So I turn the corner into the living room and see the most amazing site I have ever seen in my life.

I used my amazing quick thinking skills to make my friend stop in the dining room and just watched.  I mean it was funny but I don't want to embarrass the boy (hush with the logic that I am posting this).  And then I watched.

What do you think I saw? (and more importantly what do you think my friend thought I was seeing? gross)

Brother was mime karaoking.  Seriously.  Earphones in, singing along without actually singing.  Holding a fake microphone.  Dancing in circles.  He looked up and saw me and the panic in his eyes was so amazing.  He panicked and rushed around, trying to get himself situated.  As he rushes out of the room, bam! meets a new person.  In between my tears of laughter... and I am talking legit stomach and facing hurting, crying laughter, I explained that new friend did not see so there is a little less embarrassment.  But still, he ran straight into his room.  Poor guy.

That image of horror will forever be locked in my brain, it was fantastic.  And bro, next time you are home alone, maybe you don't use the earphones.  I could have been a murderer.

answers to the weirdness

Okay first, I ran out of deodorant. ( I am extra poor and my mom was buying my basic essentials, including shampoo, lotion, and deodorant)  I THOUGHT you were coming back on Sunday and I had just enough to get through Sunday... but nooooo you come back on Monday.  So I don't even feel bad.  Fuck you and your strong deodorant.

HOWEVER, you are clearly missing the MOST awkward part of this whole past week, my dear brother.

So I walk in brothers room and go "I need you to look at something and tell me if its a wart," sit on his bed, and proceed to show him the bottom of my foot.  I look up in time to see the look of complete horror settle into a look of pure relief

Fucker thought I was going to show him a vaginal wart or something.  Come on, I am not that bad!  Plus I am psycho careful to make sure their is no brother/sister possibility of catching nudity!  You know I even always have a bra on under my shirts!  (and, for the record, there are no warts, foot or vagina related).  Relax child.

I obviously have won the awkward-off though, since he thought I was gonna show my cooter.  I WIN!!!!

Sister crossing the line

b[^_^]d     <- that is Sister


______      <- there's the line

( X )          <- Here is where she should be....


This week things got weird(er) for your favorite codependent brother-sister duo.... (fuck yeah we are your favorite... hopefully others are not as messed up as us)

Things got weird when sister asked me for money the other day... knowing I wouldn't just hand her money all nimbly-bimbly sister knew she had to give a reason...

Sister: "Hey can I borrow some money for birth control...?"
Me: "blank stare"
Me: [thinking of sister with a child] "YES!!!!"

now we can reflect to a few months ago when Sister asks to borrow some money for gas and then snuck out to see a gentleman caller...

I have both paid for sister's sex and paid to kill her babies... LINE = CROSSED!

I'm not saying she's a harlot, in fact I chose to abstain from blogging about the gas but at this point it is sick/funny.

So yes, that happened... and I was like "Wow our relationship somehow got weirder... didn't think that could happen. Peak reached!"

and with that thought sister said "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!"

and posted this doozy on her twitter:

She used my deodorant?!?!?!

gross...

It used to be me that crossed all the lines... apparently I was just a padawan... well played Sister...
[bows head] well played...

cruisin' together... from sister

So last weekend I went to a harbor cruise.  I was excited because it wasn't work related and some of my girlfriends came along.  I knew the DJ, and he always plays really good music, so its all very exciting right?

I am walking on the boat and I heard something about "class of 79" and was like gross, thats 2 years before I was born, this boat is going to be full of old people.  And my friends with me were even younger... so grosser to them.  But as we got on the boat we saw that the ages really spread out, from like 20-60.  So whatever, we went on with our night.

The DJ was great, the guy with the microphone was horridly annoying.  He kept on saying stuff about the SHS class of '79- and I thought nothing of it.  S could stand for a million towns!  Then towards the end of the ride, the announcer said class of '79 was celebrating their collective 50th birthdays, and I totally had a flashback- it felt much like That's So Raven's premonition looks on the show- where I remember my aunt telling my dad, my uncle (they are tripletts) and my mom (she went to high school with them) that their High School reunion is celebrating their 50th birthday on a boat- and their school began with S!  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  I AM ON A BOAT WITH MY PARENT'S CLASSMATES?  When I told them who I was they argued if I looked more like mom or dad, etc...

So the reason I am telling this story now is because I am SO MAD that brother was on this cruise with me, because after I left I text him the story like "oh this is so lame, I am so mad I am surrounded by old people" and he was like "no this is amazing, why don't you have them drunk dial our parents?"

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!  So disappointed in myself.   See, we are funnier when we are codependent.

weird dudes from sister

The other day a guy I was talking to decided to tell me that during sex he likes to be the woman.

Dress up in lingerie, get boned by the girl.

Seriously?

We don't talk anymore.

But that really happens?!  my dating life is bananas

Plan a go?

Sis is ready for our plan. She bought Popsicles. How can one eat a taco in a way that turns women on? Comments would be appreciated. Ladies what do men eat that get your engines going? Roast beef sandwiches? Fish tacos? Hopefully Pebbles will discuss this in Monday's "Ladies Room"

Brother, where art thou

Uhm I love the post below
the same thing happens to me at lesbian places
and I hope you come back from D.C. with equally amazing stories
remember that time I was out with you and your friends and the dude walked up to me and started talking to me. I was so naive that I thought he was talking to HotfromToughChick but I soon realized he was talking to me... rough
have fun sis!
~Bro

target audiences OR pink tacos for dinner?

I don't know how well brother's true blood plan will go- we also live in a very WHITE town, and white people generally aren't into me.

Case and point:  my rendezvous with a football team

One of my favorite people plays on a national women's football team.  On Saturday, me and my lovely BBL (black boy lover) went to her game.  It was fun, but LONG- I am not a football girl.  They won 70-8, it was bananas.  Football should definitely have a slaughter rule.

Anyways, as you probably guess, the football player is a lesbian.  One of the things BBL and I did to pass the time during the game is we went through the brochure to pick out who we thought was straight or gay.  Turns out we WAY overestimated the straightness of the team, because when the game finished and we say the football player, she went through the book and told us who was ACTUALLY gay and straight.  Four.  Out of 48.  4 of 48 were straight... this after party was going to be interesting.  But we were gonna go, cause there were hot black male single coaches there.   And since we were of the 6 straight females around, we had really good chances.

Between the game and the after party, BBL and I walked around a bit, and BBL told me how she never gets hit on by women.  This was honestly surprising to me as BBL has a lot of lesbian friends, and she is just one of those constantly smiley friendly caretakery ladies.  Plus, even though she doesn't remember doing it (the bottle is a cruel mistress, hahahahah), she sometimes dares people to kiss or do other ridiculous things, and says "if you do __________ sister and I will kiss."  So I always thought she had a little pinch of gayness to her... but I am guessing lesbians have better gaydar then I do so I am going with the fact that I am wrong.

So we get to the after party and it is at a Mexican restaurant... the kind that turns into a bar at 10 or whatever.  It is PACKED with the ladies.  Like, if we were not in the middle of the city, I would worry about a bear attack.  Boys probably got mad excited about the bar walking by and then went in and were like oh, this is hopeless.  

The encounters started with me... and quickly.  First, when we walked in we were essentially standing in the middle of the restaurant- tables on either side of us and I felt very much in the way.  Then one of the football players teammates LOOKED like she was dodging around me, and I said "sorry I can't seem to get out of the way" and she goes, "I am not trying to dodge you, I am trying to dance with you" and we laughed and I thought that moment was over.  But seconds later, she squeezed behind me (please note that there was nothing close enough behind me to warrant the tight body squeeze) running her hands down my back and patting my bum.  I looked at BBL and she laughed at me.

Once we spotted the sexy black coaches, I told BBL to not stand so close to me- that I didn't want people to think we are a couple.  Then I was explained that we COULDN'T be a couple cause we are two fems.

sidebar- If I was a lesbian, I would do it all the way.  Meaning, I would have a beautiful girlfriend and I would never, ever shave my head and I would always wear make up.  I find the whole dating a girl that looks like a boy thing ultra confusing.

Then somehow the conversation of "who would be the butch" between me and BBL came up and the football player said BBL.  This was confusing to me.  First, there isn't a whole lot of difference in the way BBL and I look- she is skinnier than me and has darker hair and fairer skin.  I think we are the same amount of pretty.  And she was wearing like a pretty sweater thing and I had a tshirt on- granted the boobs were out kind of shirt, but I was not dressed super nicely.  Maybe cause I had big earrings?  lol who knows.

As the night wore on though, I found out BBL was right, she did not get hit on by girls.  SHE GOT THE HOT COACHES.  Some butch huh?  I, on the other hand, learned that my target audience is gender neutral- you don't have to be a black, fairly ghetto man to like me.  You have to just be black and fairly ghetto.

I am saving the best for last so keep that in mind for the time line.  

At one point a lesbian who was not on the football team, but was like the hook up friend of one of the players walked in.  Only keen eyes like mine, who went to an all-girls college, would even think this was a woman at all.  She wore real baggy jeans, a huge jacket, was bald and looked like any thug hanging on a corner of blue hill ave at any given time.  Looked like she had been through the ringer- looked like she had shot a gun at someone kind of chick.  or at least carried a knife.  Anyways, she was tough looking, and mighty scary.  And I walked by and she stared at me and said to her friend "Hey, I am still technically single" and proceeded to follow me through the bar.  Quickly, I ran into my football player and she started to do that party boy dance thing on me and we laughed, and then baldy pretty much pushed through me to talk to football player.  She pointed at me and said "this your woman?"

Really?  I am property now?

Then fucking football player, whose actual girlfriend WAS there, totally freaked "no, nonononono, oh my god no, we just went to college together.  No. nonono."

Thanks a lot, cunt.  A. lets not act like that is the single most insulting thing any one has ever said to you please.  and B. WHY AREN'T YOU UNDERSTANDING THE SEVERITY OF THIS SITUATION.  This bitch is scary as fuck and already treats me like a possession.  Get me out NOW.

So baldy looks up at me and I say "oh yeah I am just a friend visiting... we haven't seen eachother in a long time, I am not....here for that?" and it seemed to work.  She walked away.  Looked like she was gonna eat me (not in the fun way) for the rest of the night, but at least she didn't talk to me again.

But the last one, she was the worst.  Cause I think she took me being nice as flirting, and that can always be a disaster.

When we first got there, BBL, football player, and I went to the bar to get some drinks.  We could not physically get to the bar but this big, linebacker looking chick with her dreads in pigtails ordered our drinks for us.  I ordered a 7 and 7 but the restaurant didn't know what that was... so I just said whiskey and sprite.  Pigtails looks at me and goes "whiskey?" and then gives me a face.

Later in the night I was dancing a little and she came up and kinda danced with me, then leaned in real close and whispered "I can't dance" and walked away.  This was odd to me.  Is it a secret?  Are we sharing secrets now?

After that, she was on the dance floor again and started arguing with me about something (I can't even remember what it was, though now looking back I guess I can see it was all a little cat and mouse flirty) and then I asked football player what pigtails name was again, and pigtails got MAD.  So I went straight back up to her, mad challenging, and said "do you remember my name?" and she goes "whiskey"  and I said "well that doesn't really count does it?"  Again, writing this, I can see how it seemed flirty to someone who was interested, as I kept entertaining it.

Later still, she kept complaining that I was nursing my drinks.  I told her I didn't want to get drunk.  She asked if I was driving, and I said no.  Then she proceeded to try to talk me into getting drunk.  When I didn't budge on not drinking, she pulled me over to her between her LEGS by my pant waste and stood up and looked mad intense on me and said "you coming to the game next week?"  I pulled myself away from her saying no, I would be in DC.  She said "oh are you going for pride week?"  I made her repeat it because I didn't understand, but then it dawned on me... this bitch thinks I am gay too!  I know, not too swift of me.  So I said "oh, no no. I am going to visit a friend"  Then pigtails looked at me puzzled, and I could see the "she isn't gay" light go on in her head.  Then she looked a little deflated and stopped talking to me completely for the night.

It was all very interesting.  Maybe since my first 95% gay party was with a bunch of football playing lesbians, and maybe it would be different to hit up just a gay club but this was an experience for the books.  And BBL, I won, lol

2 in one night?!?!!? what the what?

I felt like I needed another post, because that last one makes me look like a homicidal maniac, and I only let girls know that on the 4th date.

Also, I haven't contributed in months, getting an advanced degree n' all

So True Blood season 4 is coming... and we no longer have HBO and cannot get HBO.
This is a serious problem
But we live in a VERY wealthy town and I have a plan
Sister and I are going to pose outside local supermarket (because single people have to shop)
Sister will be sucking on a Popsicle or something phallic 
Brother will be eating a roast beef sandwich or eating the meat out of a taco
people will pass and conversations will go like this

Guy #1 - What are you doing?
Us in unison- being sexy! you watch True Blood? (everything we say will be in unison and with a southern "sistah" drawl)
Guy #1 - No
Us - Go away!

Chick #1  - What are you doing?
Us in unison- being sexy! you watch True Blood?
Chick #1 - No
Us - Go away!

Swinger Couple- What are you doing?
Us in unison- being sexy! you watch True Blood?
Guy #1 - Yes
Us - that's all the payment we need

the plan is flawless

I am working on my sexy pose right now

updates on how it all plays out

~Brother

Meaner on the inside - by brother

The thoughts in my head are sometimes so mean I cannot share them...

This might be the only time I should ever write about what happened at Toys R' Us in Winter of 2006

It was a Friday and I managed to not have work or class on Fridays for most of college. It was a few weeks before Christmas, and I get it in my head that because othersister works at a poor school, that I would get her a video microscope (she was a science teacher for inmates in training) [also a side note: notice how bad things happen to me when I think to be nice or kind...- see karaoke in A.J. Wright - I think Jesus wants me to be mean.] What I failed to do is check the weather report. It had not snowed really at all yet that winter and was not snowing when I left, it might have even been sunny outside.

reader: "Well brother, why would you need to check the weather if it was nice outside?

Well, reader of this blog, what I failed to notice was that there was going to be a snow storm starting that night and it would continue into Monday... meaning every Mother is going to be out shopping for Christmas presents - the presents they were planning on getting during the weekend. The fact that is was Noon helped nothing, these moms were out in force to get presents before their kids got home from school.
So finding the present was east enough. There was one left (nice!) and I went on my merry way to the checkout counter...
...
I stand in line behind an old woman
another woman in her late 30s (but looked used like a 60 year old) stands behind me
then I feel it
this bitch behind me is pushing her cart against me
... this is okay, i just bump it a little to show her I am here, no harm in that...
she keeps pushing her cart into me, not a rough push but she thinks that pushing her cart against me will magically do something
then the old woman... (being a woman and old means she is going to be a pain in the ass) of course starts complaining about the price but was so wrong that the store literally could not appease this woman.
I am behind this old bitch with my feet firmly planted and trying to keep myself from being crushed by this large bitch behind me
is this woman trying to run me over? Am I going to die here? If I die holding a video microscope that looks like an eyeball I hope no one mourns for me... it's how I want to go. DOES THIS C**T THINK THAT I AM GOING TO GIVE HER MY SPOT BECAUSE SHE IS PLOWING ME DOWN? OH HELLZZZZ NO!
I turn, pull her cart towards me, then slam it back "BACK UP BITCH! THAT HARD SURFACE YOU HAVE BEEN PUSHING INTO FOR FIVE MINUTES IS A PERSON YOU MORON!"
at this point the woman in front of me is still insisting that the sign she is holding that says stuffed dog toys 40% off applies to her Lego Star Wars set - so I naturally unleash my wrath on her
"HEFFER - you are wrong, stop being such a fucking douche and pay for your shit, if you don't have the money - GO AWAY!"
naturally things move smoothly for me from then on out
Heffer in front pays and books it, lady in back finds a new line, I pay a go on my way... assuming police will be there any second...
As I walk toward my car I see it.
Some butt-face-tryna-be-cute-but-is-a-used-up-whore walked her carriage straight into my car (3 spaces away from the carriage corral) oh no this bitch did not just do that (I do not have a nice car, and sure she's got some rough patches but she's mine...)
I book it toward my car
she sees me pull this cart off of my car and book it toward her. She turns with this smug look that if she were a dude I would punch off her whore face and I just say in the calmest voice I can muster:
"I hope your house burns down before Christmas"
I get in my car
and I walk away

Sister- you have been trumped.

Evil thy name is brother

(don't worry, I've gotten much less angry - no need for 24/7 watch)

Mean on the Inside- by sister

You know how they say true beauty comes from within?  Well I am FUCKED.  It turns out I am unintentionally an awful, awful person.

To understand this revelation about my awfulness you must know two very important details:

1. my ex- who I dated for 8 yrs and is known as retardo- slept with a girl with a mustache.  This resulted in his immediate disposal, mostly because my pride was so so hurt.  Cheat up gentlemen!  Golly!  It also led to a hilarious drunk text message where brother kept asking retardo what it was like to be a dude who is not gay but still get a mustache ride.  All totally worth it.

2.  Even before the mustache aficionado retardo came into my life, I have had a fear of growing a mustache as a woman.  There are some out there with FULL ones... that is awful.  This morning, as in every morning, I was looking in the mirror making sure I don’t have a mustache.  This is my single biggest fear.  I am a pretty un-hairy girl, and thank jesus for it. 

Okay so today my literal first thought after breathing a sigh of relief that I don’t have that super scary facial hair is that if I did get some whiskers it would be funny for one reason- cause I would like to tell retardo that I am his type again, lol.

Then I thought, wow, I am a mean lady.  Here are some other recent happenings of my meanness:

A few days ago I wigged on some students cause I am sick of them being inappropriately dressed.  This one girl her ass is SO HUGE. Like not hot black girl giant ass... like just a giant lumpy bag of mess.  Its so not hot.  And this dumb bitch wears leggings as pants EVERY DAY.  This other girl who isn’t particularly big wears tiny tiny  shorts every day.... it makes her look like a cow.  I swear I have seen this girls cooter on the daily.  Its gross.  They were together one day, and talking about what they were going to wear to an event.  Then what came out of my mouth was unstoppable, rude, and unjust.  But it happened.  I immediately jumped in and said “You know what, there is a dress code at this event” then proceeded to lay into them telling them that leggings aren’t pants, especially since the girl is big (don’t worry I US’d it... like big girls like us shouldn’t....).  Then I told the one in shorts I was sick of seeing her cooter.  To a student, right to her face.  To which she said “but pants are so restricting” and I took her face in my hands and said “if you bought pants that fit you, they wouldn’t feel restricting”  What a bitch I am!  Good thing they think I am funny.

Also within the last few days, I had to pick my DJ friend up for an event.  He was unresponsive and annoying me, not sending me his address and such.  After driving around like a maniac finding his house in rush hour traffic, I finally get there.  And then he takes FOREVER to get ready.  I may have been three seconds away from blowing up his house.  But then, he hit himself in the face with his speaker.  And I said THANKS JESUS.  Who gets in a better mood when their friend gets hurt??  This girl.

Every time I see a mother walk away from her kid in cart in the grocery store, I want to steal it.  I HATE kids, but I think they should be watched well... so I would like to scare the mom into thinking the kid was kidnapped to teach her a lesson.

Okay thats pretty mean, but more than that its just fucked up. Hide your kids... lol

my dream by sister

I have a dream

I dream that one day, so many readers view this blog that othersister, who lives in another state, sees this blog as referred to her by a friend.  That will totally be worth her anger...

nyquil battle 2011

Sister: Where is the Nyquil
Brother: In the room!
Sister: Which room? your bedroom?
Brother: NO! The kitchen

PAUSE: Hello, Kitchen is the ONLY ROOM not named _____ room... bathROOM bedROOM livingROOM diningROOM... you see where I am going here?  Kitchen would be the last one I would think of.  Okay PLAY

Sister: Where?
Brother: I don't know, look!
Sister: Where am I looking
Brother: USE YOUR EYES

PAUSE again- douche! You know I am the MOST blind.  Okay PLAY again

I have now given up on Nyquil knocking me out
Brother: I swear to god if I find it in three seconds, I am punching you in the vagina
Sister: If you touch my vagina I am kicking you out

Then he finds it... in like 3 seconds.  And I literally dive to the side for fear of my vagina's life.  Like he may actually punch my vagina.

conversations with Other Sister- by sister

The othersister text me today.  This is a legitimate, literal copy of our conversation

OS: Remember when we used to be like 'why would mom and dad have so many kids when we were already so poor?'  In my current predicament I have found the answer.
Let is pray the bc holds up ;)
Me:  Are you pregnant?
OS:Us
OS: Us
Me: HUH (now I am completely panicking that other sister is preggers.  this would be really REALLY bad.  Like beyond bad.  You know the story of D'Wayne!)
OS: No no no... but poorness is why people get preggers... only affordable thing to do!
Me: Ohhh.  Good that you think about our parents during sex
OS: No hahaha... I was just thinking how we have just been spending time in bed because we are trying to refrain from spending money, then just said 'this is why poor people have so many kids'
Me:  Yeah... Okay
OS: And not just having sex, I don't know, I thought it was a funny thought to share, and you and (brother) would be the only ones to really get the joke
Me: Except all I am getting is that you have weird sex fantasies about our parents
OS: Gross
Me: MAYBE you can make some money off of a reality show.... "Thinking about my parents boning makes me horny" the TLC special
OS: You sick sick bitch
Me: That's a pretty long title
Me: Now do you think mom thinks about jamie lee curtis when she has sex with dad (sidebar: I swear mom dukes is a lesbo.  I first thought it when I saw her reaction to Jamie Lee Curtis's strip tease in True Lies.  She was legit biting her lip.  Mad sex face action.  Sometimes I think she is happy with dad so I should let her be. Sometimes I think it is better to live honestly.  And the honest truth is I think she likes vaginas)
Me: So do you think about mom thinking about jamie lee curtis?
Me: I think if you call him daddy it will be extra weird since you are thinking about your daddy
OS: umm haven't thought about it really....
OS: Yeah, no daddy is not called out in bed, sicko
Me: I am not the one who relates my sex life to our parents
OS: It wasn't during, numb nuts... bahahahah
Me: Yeah... sure

celebrities jacking my shit- by sister

Sweet Mary.  April is a HARD MONTH.  We have not posted in weeks.  RIDICULOUS!

I would like to talk about how I hate celebrities- well douchy celebrities.  They always fuck up my stuff.

So today all I wanted to do was wear my ed hardy sneakers in peace.  I have had them for years... they are black chucks with graphics on the side.  They really are cool looking sneakers.  But stupid Jon from Jon and Kate plus 8 had to douchify Ed Hardy designs.  He is what killed the brand.  And if he killed the brand, the Jersey Shore continuously had sex with the designs dead body.  Now I can only wear them with long jeans so as not to be part of the douchebaggary.  These bitches cost me like $100 bucks!  I am still wearing them.  Screw Jon and his necrophiliac partners in crime, the cast of the Jersey Shore.  I had them first.

I am also very angry with Charlie Sheen.  I have always said "I win!" but now if I do people go "winnninnnnnggg" cause of stupid charlie sheen.  grr

Celebrities need to get off and stop stealing my shit. hahaha

is this a sign of our future

I fear that brother and I are growing apart.

Like a child I am being passive aggressive

Every day I see that he carefully rolls the toothpaste to maximize the outcome. And every day I grab and squeeze. Hahahahaha

There has also been a condom on his calendar board for a month- but since the calendar still says february- well I just font think he is paying attention

Soon I am probably going to get into drugs... Hahahah

Recent gems from brother

• dear girl with a fupa and cameltoe, yoga pants are not made in your size for a reason.. please take note. love brother

• people shouldn't be allowed to write checks, it's 2011...

• lmfao, best job requirement EVER: "Applicants must be born-again Christians, must agree with and agree to abide by the University doctrinal statement, Community Covenant, and General Work Place Standards."

• dear woman driving a minivan, with your phone on your right ear and an eye patch on your left eye... uhhh you scare me...

• new reason to not have children: how will I protect my family if I sleep through doors being broken in?

•  Do delivery men go into work everyday hoping for a fantasy? Or do they conduct their lives as normal but remain ready at all times?

• I don't know what a maxxinesta is... I just know that it sounds painful

 

 

 

geezihateyoualot

I hate brother the MOST right now.  Partially cause I am on his computer and there is literally a file that is called "sister's stuff bc she a bum"  Is it my fault that my ex replaced my perfectly good laptop that only needed a simple repair with a piece of shit laptop that broke down?  That was RUINED by the othersister?  No, Not AT ALL

p.s. when we first moved in together he always used mine!  Granted, he was in college and I am damn near 30 but nbd

That being said, I also hate him because of the last post. Really why didn't he wake up?  I tried to kick the door in because I couldn't work my keys!  DER.  $400 later...

Literally that night was unfortunately similar to my 21st bday... the next morning I woke up completely naked, with an odd towel around me, confused and only remembering glimpses of the night before, and unfortunately still very, very drunk.

Sis has a shewolf in her closet

and that bitch really wanted to be let free.

Sis thought that Ninja kicking a door would work to open it... I'm not sure she get that when you kick in a door you break it...

I slept through the entire thing... why you ask? how you ask? because I am a champ... also, I will be robbed/murdered in my sleep...
Sister always said she was afraid of me...
but I never broke down a door I didn't like...
now who's the scared roommate?
answer: this kid
note to all the men out there: If she has a shewolf... please dear god - open up and set her free

ahhhh woooooo

true codependency part 2

I have only been up an hour and a half and have already had TWO incidents where I needed brother.

1.  We clearly have a little gender role reversal when I had to break down and text him to find out where we keep the iron

2. I clearly cannot properly make a cup of tea without his assistance.

How am I gonna live when he gets a big kid job and moves?

sister's one liners

I am the queen of funny responses, where clearly brother is the king of the story.  So every once in a while when I am particularly on my game, I will add in quotes of the night.

Last night we went out with brother's friends for his bestie's birthday.  Brother has this one friend, and I don't know if I want to call him crazyeyes or the hairy jew but our conversation was the best of the night so here you go:
Hairy Jew: You know I am jewish but also part black (clearly, a lie)
me: oh yeah?
HJ: yeah I have been through a lot of hardships
me: okay- quick whats worse?  Holocaust or slavery? Go!
HJ: yes

Hahahaha still funny to me.
Back to your reading people.

avoid eye contact

This is a story from sister

I NEVER LEARN.
I am nosey and I have a staring problem.  This has put me in alllll sorts of fucked up situations, but none more comical than the midget story.

One day I was in a bar with two of my girlfriends, and they were in a deep conversation while I was being nosy, taking in my surroundings.  My ears perked up when my white friend goes "who brings a child into a bar?!" and my black friend goes "you are retarded, its a little person"
As this is all sinking in I look across and accidentally stare at this Willy Nelson looking character. FUCK. We locked eyes and he thinks that means I am interested.  This will be a long night.

So over walks Mr. Nelson and he is talking towards the floor.  Through the crowd I can't see him, and I am VERY purposefully trying not to pay attention.  However soon the crowd clears and WN comes straight up to me, next to a midget.  They introduce themselves, tell me and my friends that they worked on Oil Rigs, and the purpose of the midget is to crawl through the little spaces no one else could.  (is that legal?)  Then they said they were in town for 2 days and looking for some fun.  Then WN made the midget break dance.

THIS WAS NOT BREAK DANCING.  It was just a poor little midget boy kicking and spinning on the floor.  This is unacceptable, my social justice side kicks in to full effect, and I become that midgets best friend ever, just to get him away from the sketchy guy.  I mean there was SO much wrong.  Willy Nelson looked at least 50, and the midget was only just 21.  WN kept carting the little guy around to each different group of girls and made him do tricks like a circus monkey.  It was awful.

So while WN was going back and forth between me and the white friend, telling each of us that we look alike (we do NOT!) and then individually telling each of us that we are prettier than the other (there is no question here, I am the prettier one), black friend and I were making good conversation with the midget.  He became our friend for the night and didn't let WN guide him around. 

He asked me to go back to his hotel room with him, and I was like no, no thank you.  He still stayed.  He stayed until we left the bar.  He kept asking, I kept saying that I wasn't that kind of girl (shut up! I am not always that kind of girl!)

Then, the most embarrassing realization came true.  So through the night I was noticing even though we were up he still talked looking down, diverting eye contact.  He had some weird gestures, but I didn't really put it together until this moment.
So I was bending down, and there was frankly a full view of my chest at his eye level.  So I was like seriously, I know its right there but relax.  Then I realized he wasn't staring, his eyes were closed.  Then he started rubbing them intensely.  FUCKING A.  Dude is autistic.  That's right folks, my aspergers (however you spell that damn word) boy from a few weeks ago was not my first autistic.  My first autistic was a midget who worked on an oil rig.

I hope my own little leprechaun had a wonderful st. patty's day this week, and I hope he has learned to break dance better.

A librarian in the gym...

it isn't pretty. We are meant for reading not running...

This is a the story of the time:
I fell off a stationary bike
enjoy:


It was my Sophomore year of college and I journeyed to my college's sport complex to get in a work out. And by work out, I mean ride the stationary bike, use an elliptical and use the row machine.

I started with the bike because it is my favorite. I could bike for hours.

So I throw the ole' headphones around the noggin (They were the wrap around the back of the neck kind) press play on the IPOD and got-a-cycling! 

I failed to do two things, check my shoelaces and untangle my headphones.

Bad looks. 

As I pedal, the laces of my left shoe begin to twirl around the pedal. This tightens my laces but I am only a minute into my 'ride' so I fail to notice the tightening of my shoe...

Then as I pedal down my right leg, my left knee slips into a knot in my headphone wire...

BAM!
What happened you asked?

As I began to pedal down with my left leg, it brought my head with me. (Remember the headphones were around the back of my head)

I slammed my head into the display,

But oh no it didn't stop there.


The momentum from my pedaling was still in control. I fell off the left side of the bike.
But my shoe was so tight when I started to fall it caught me -MID AIR-
 
Causing me to dangle helplessly.
 
I could not get my foot out of the shoe because it was so tight.

As my head finally hits the ground I look back and see the people on the treadmills miss a step, trying to see what calamity was going on beside them.

The attendant, is truly too confused to react - until she bursts out in laughter


I finally widen my shoe enough to finish falling to the ground.


By now the entire room is silent, staring...

"Did that just happen?" - YEP

I re-tied my shoe, took the knots out of my headphones and hopped back on because what the hell else should I have done? 
-leggo-


~Brother

its scary seeing brother at the gym

If brother has not told you yet, he has had a few run ins with gym equipment that are HYSTERICAL.  Today, we were at the gym and I was on the upper level and could see him on the stationary bike.  And I kept thinking, holy shit I am nervous he is gonna die on the stationary bike (write the damn story brother!)

Since my favorite machines are upstairs and his are down, not to creepify the situation, but I have seen him down on the bikes dozens of times and never was worried.  But for some reason today I was like oh man, something bad is gonna happen.

Turns out that reason is that I am psychic.  When I was done with my workout, I went over to him and he was on a treadmill.  I don't know if he forgot to hit stop but he just stopped walking and then had to cartoon style run to get back on.  He was falling, and even though I was so so worried, I didn't even move to help catch him.  I just watched and laughed.  Bad sister.

response from sister

My horoscope says today is the day to mend problems in the home

Hey at least you are coming back to fresh, clean sheets :)

response from brother

When I walked in the aparment I was impressed at the Sigma Kappa Delta party that sister must have thrown... but the real thing that threw me off was when I was staring at my bed, unmade (as I left it) with black sheets... uh... something is different... (5 minutes later) ... those aren't my sheets...

theme of the weekend: "I'm not mad I'm disappointed"
I got to say that to my Dad after he crashed my car and to my big sister after she threw a kegger in my absence...

scared of brother

Its 5am and I just got home from a night out- a combination of being a multi-stop taxi and daylight savings made for one exceptionally late night. Brother cleaned the house really well this week and in my weekend alone I apparently threw a party or hosted a war- but its safe to say I have ruined all his good work. For some reason when mother told me brother was coming home monday, I believed her. Stupid. He is coming home. So this is my #codependencyhilarity "text from last night"
(339)Dearest brother, I am exceptionally concerned about your arrival in the morning as I have turned the house you cleaned into a disaster area. I am not working
(339)Tomorrow and plan to fully clean the house. I forgot about daylight savings time and had to drive everyone home. Its 5am. Please don't hurt me. Loovvveee you.

To sum up- don't be mad brother!!!

things fat girls do... and are fat girls the new midgets?

Okay so as a fat girl (if you couldn't tell by my other posts) I get very confused when fat girls do certain things.

You have read my diet coke rant... now lets talk about heels.  Listen ladies, if you weigh 200lbs, you got NO BUSINESS wearing way high heels.  We are mean to our ankles anyways, making them carry all this weight around.  We should be icing them shits down instead of making them balance on sticks.  You would laugh if a skinny girl walked on toothpicks right?  WELL THAT IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.  golly.  This has been a public service announcement.

Warning:  the next section explains explicit content manner.  reader discretion is advised.

Okay on to my piece, are fat girls the new midgets?  Its an expose I am writing about the elicit underground fascination that men have suddenly picked up- fucking a fatty is a check mark apparently... someone call Tucker Max and ask him whats up.

As a fat white girl with a gianormous, black girl ass, I have a target audience- meaning black and hispanic men, usually between 30-45.  This works for me, because I like black and spanish guys... hooray all things work out.  However, lately there has been an influx of interested white guys and this is throwing off my game a bit.  With white dudes I have always formed friendships but am RARELY hit on.   Here is the story of pervyanthony:

I met pervyanthony out one night and we just chatted... it was not sexual, it was not even attractiveness based, it was just we were talking because our friends were hooking up.  Talked about how its weird being newly single, that I have no single friends, blah blah blah.  Exchanged numbers and I am innocently psyched about picking up a single friend (cause let me tell you, I am SICK SICK SICK of hanging with couples).

Then I text pervyanthony (which, by the way, is literally how he is saved in my phone) and this is literally the conversation that follows by text
Me: hi
PA: I think big girls are really sexy, I think you are really sexy, do you like threesomes
me: um is this a joke?
PA: no me and my fuckbuddy are looking for someone to have a threesome with and can you do it?
me: oh no, no thank you.
PA: what about just me and you?  I lovvvvveeeeee having sex with big girls
me: oh no, no thank you.

conversation over.  but then I start to get MAD.  What the fuck weren't we in a bar together?  And you didn't hit on me then... so am I like embarrassing to be around?  Your secret wish is a fatty but you pretend you are not into them because fat girls are not socially acceptable?  This is the conversation that followed:

 me: so let me get this straight... you lovveeee having sex with big girls but do you date them or just fuck them?  Are we the new midgets?  does everyone just need to fuck a fatty once in their life?
PA:  No reason really.  They turn me on.  just one of those things I guess.
me:  I see that you are avoiding my ACTUAL question- which is do you date fat girls or just fuck them.
PA:  Love to just fuck them.  A lot
me: hahaha but you would never bring one home?  I see
PA: (explicit material deleted) you like?
me: Do I like that you are telling me that I am like a circus freak- that you want to fuck me in secret but would never take me out?  No, I am insulted and now realize I intensely need to lose weight.

So there you have it.  I wonder if fat porn sales have gone up.  Apparently, fat girls are in fact the new midgets- good for secret sex and nothing else.  No offense midgets, but you get what I mean.

Is this for real?  Between the autistic delight and this I am starting to hate men.  White men anyways.  Where my black dudes at, lol.

How to be a good friend...

You ever look at someone and go "doesn't s/he have friends?"
or do you ever see someone out with 'friends' and think that is just a group of douches. I know you want to look good by letting your friend act/look a fool, but be a good friend. Tell your friend when they look terrible.
Now you don't have to be blunt like me, but maybe say: "hey, playa - uh wanna hit up the mall?" then when s/he picks out clothes, tell them what would look really good on them.

Example: Dude is wearing white sneakers while trying pick up women (not shelltoes or anything relevant , white reeboks)
You: "Hey I'm going sneaker/shoe shopping, want to come with?
Friend: "Yeah, my old pair were getting ratty"
You: "I noticed"
Friend: "What?"
You:"What?!?"
[later at the store - friend gravitates toward a terrible yet expected pair of white nike's]

You: "Those are nice but you need a going out sneaker"
Friend: "These are my going out sneakers"
You: "Uhhhhhh, let's try these"
Friend: OMG I am totally getting girls it must be the shoes! (well he probably won't say this but he will think it!)



also, if you have a friend who wears ed hardy... it is time for an intervention...


I mean this is why we humans group... to correct inappropriate behavior...

Yes, it is always funny to talk about people behind their backs and make fun of people because you - yourself - are of course perfect... 

but when a friend walks out of the house with her cottage cheese thighs flapping in the breeze like a cooter, you should let a bitch know

and that is how to be a good friend.

~Brother

Addition from sister

I was sitting in Cheers when I recieved a text from brother saying I had to repost this and I have two things to say about it.

A. DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIEND IT IS A GOOD PICTURE WHEN IT IS HORRENDOUS.  Sometimes people are like oh! thats a nice picture! and I am pretty sure I have 754095729457 chins in it.  Fuck you.  Just say its a bad picture.

B. Seriously, though I agree with what brother said, though at some point you will have to be stern, whether you like it or not.  I am going to share an experience with you where I utterly failed at life, and hopefully from this experience you will never fail as a friend again.

I used to work with this girl, and lets just call her a hot mess.  She always OVER TRIED to dress up- ill fitting skirts, the whole deal.  Also, everything she had was at least one size too small.  Seriously, in pictures I looked skinnier than her solely because of my clothes when I was probably 2 sizes bigger.

When we started working together, I did not like hot mess.  So when she wore asymmetrical skirts that were too tight but went down to her shin in a funny line, printed tights, and strappy high sandals that had the sole popping out, I would just take pictures with my camera on my cell and send them to my friends.  Then hot mess started growing on me.

So I did like brother suggested and took her shopping.  And I did GOOD.  And luckily, hot mess is cheap cheap cheap so she lasted in those clothes for quite some time!

We stopped working together, but I was confident I made my mark with her... that she finally got what looked good and what did not.  I was so proud.  But I did not do the follow up work.  I went to her house after we hadn't worked together and I saw them.   high strappy sandals, sole ripped to the side.  She never threw them away.  and she CLEARLY wore them, they were with all her other ridiculously high shoes that were her "work shoes"

The moral of this story is when trying to change friends for the better, you have to be more aggressive.  Throw it away yourself, and never, ever let them shop for themselves again.

#codependencyhilarity

#codependencyhilarity - The other day sister texted me and said not to rush home, cougartown wasn't on

#codependencyhilarity - I bring home movies/books from the library I know sister would enjoy

Holy shit I was walking down the street and I slipped on vaginas

You know when you hear some so vial and disgusting you instantly write a song about it...


This a song we wrote about a 55 year old divorcee our mother knows who dated excessively after her divorce. And her vagina fell out... that can apparently happen!

I walked into a room where sister was, and sprang into my best Britney Spears:
"I think my vag fell again" 
and so it was decided, this song needed to be written.

I think my vag fell again,
and you just tried to push it back in

Oh baby – don’t make a sound
cuz my grown ass kids, are hanging around
cuz I keep having old sex,
wrinkled dicks are too much for me

Oh baby baby Opps – my vag fell again
you played with my twat
it’s shape won’t maintain

Oh baby baby
Opps, I hope your wearing a glove
I’ve had too much loooove
That shit ain’t sanitary

You see my problem is this
My vag fell away -

Detached from my UUUUUU-terus

I cry, ev-er-y day

When I try reattach in a new way

But I lost all my mensies and it hurts when I pee

Oh baby baby Opps – my vag fell again
you played with my twat
it’s shape won’t maintain

Oh baby baby
Opps, I hope your wearing a glove
I’ve had too much loooove
That shit ain’t sanitary

Ow – ow - Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeahhhhhh

[train conductor] All aboard

(man) Will I fit
(aunt) theres room for one more
(man) is this gay
no, just don’t let your penises touch
Now get on in there
Aww well if you insist

Opps my- vag fell again your arms
got lost, in the sheets oh baby
Opps you –  (Opps you)  just tried to push it back in

THIS IS GROOOSSSSSSSS

Opps my- vag fell again your arms
got lost, in the sheets oh baby
Opps you –  (Opps you)  just tried to push it back in

It’s not that Sanitary

Opps my- vag fell again your arms
got lost, in the sheets oh baby
Opps you –  weren’t wearing a gloooove

Somebody push me down the stairs

SWEET JESUS

This is a breaking news story by sister

Okay so we live in this rich town and I work here so I am not among the rich.  I met this dude at the grocery store and even though he is NOT attractive.  I do want to mention for one second that I do think that it is completely necessary for people to know their attractiveness number, and that people need to stick within that number

So I give in to meet this dude for lunch at a local bagel shop.  He was there like 45 mins early and I was like 20 mins late- see thats what you get for dating outside your number (I suggest listening to Dwayne Perkins sketch on it- hits the nail on the head).  As we are there I learn that he used to work at that bagel shop so basically he was trying to show me off.

YES works at the bagel shop.  Lives in my rich town.  Did I really find the one poor 35 yr old in this town
WAIT it gets better
he lives with his mom
he wants to be a professional poker player
he walked to the bagel shop cause he doesn't have a car
he and his friend had a big conversation about me cause he decided to pull my pic off facebook and show all his friends and he already is hinting at taking me to a wedding- gah!
AND I don't find him attractive. THIS IS A DISASTER.

AND NOW FOR THE BREAKING NEWS
So I try to be nice cause he isn't a bad guy but I just am not interested.
Then he starts stalking my life.  I was like bro you are gonna have to relax.
Then he goes "what do you know about aspbergers"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
my life is a joke.  Wait til I tell you the midget story.

The time I was almost murdered- by sister

My first significant boyfriend was a Mexican engineering student. 

Like all young couples who think they are in love and plan to be that way forever, there was the inevitable meeting of the parents.  The Mexican’s mom, half sister, and stepfather lived in Connecticut, and we were in Massachusetts and carless.  That meant this his mom picked us up on Friday and brought us home for the entire weekend.  Awesome. 

Mama Mexican definitely thought she was the cool mom.  She let us sleep together, and even though I was only 19 she was big into me joining in the household drinking.  The Mexican was so excited for me to try his mom’s home cooking, particularly her “Chocolate Chicken” (for those of you who are not exposed to the Mexicans that is actually called Mole).  When I came in I thought it was so cool that she handed me a drink right away and was cooking this huge family dinner.  My family isn't huge into big family dinners like that so this was new to me.  She served us all instead of us getting up and getting our own food, which was also VERY new to me.  We had a nice time.  Step dad looked at me a little too much, sent some uncomfortable vibes, but what can you do?

In the middle of the night, the vomiting started.  I did not sleep at all.  The Mexican kept wondering why I did not want to do the elicit, dirty sex on the parents’ pull out couch thing.  The next day, the mom continued to hand me drinks.  This started at “Happy Hour” which was apparently a big thing in this family.  When I said “no” to drinks, the Mexican said it was rude not to take what she offered, and she kept making me concoctions with orange juice.  Have you ever spent a day throwing up and said to yourself hmm... time for some OJ... preferably with vodka?  I guarantee you have not.  The vomiting continued through the entire trip.

By the time I got to my parents house on Sunday, I was completely gray.  My mom look at me and then made me go to the hospital.  The gave me two bags of fluids.  I went to the doctors 4 times that week.  My doctor made me take a pregnancy test, because all teenage girls who throw up  are pregnant, obviously.  They sent those results to my parents, by the way.  Luckily, I convinced my mother I was still a virgin- manipulation on my part or denial on her part, I don’t really care either way it worked.  I lost ten pounds that week.  The end diagnosis was food poisoning. 

There were a few fun parts, though, to that whole week of vomiting.  First, my lovely mexcian at one point accused me of fooling around with his roommate, who had mono.  (Mono! I wish!  I have been trying to get mono for years- I hear its the best diet ever!)  Secondly, once I felt better and could visit him, he LOVED the fact that I lost ten pounds!  Where were his priorities?  I was in the hospital for goodness sakes!

I never came out and told him his mother gave me food poisoning, but he stopped asking so I am assuming he got the idea.  For a while, I really thought I may be allergic to Mexican food in general- but now it is legitimately my favorite kind of food, so I am holding firm that the bitch tried to poison me.

true codependency

Last night I came home to brother frosting cupcakes.  When I came in he heated up my dinner and cleaned the kitchen.

He is an alien.  I think that he has totally fucked up my expectations of what a man should do in the house- like my husband will not stand a chance.  What am I going to do when he moves away and gets a grown up job?  He is only here because I am providing him with a home.  I am screwed... you will probably see me on an episode of hoarders.

Days like yesterday are prime examples of why one of my coworkers calls us life partners.  As the blog is starting to form we are telling you a little about each of us, so you understand why together we are so, so messed up :)

tales from the bathroom- by sister

I am generally one of those people who is super, ridiculously private about my privates- if brother is home I always have a bra on (under my shirt), I do not change in the same room as my sister (othersister) and I will never, ever, ever be one of those people who leaves the bathroom door open.  EVER.  Regardless of if I have been married 100 years.  One of the many reasons I NEVER want children is because when they get to that age that most of my friends kids have and they are in the shower so you can show them how or whatever- jesus christ that is like my personal nightmare.  I am also very much not a cuddler.  That the background you need for this story.

This brings me to a story with me and my college roomie, and the time the bathroom rebelled against.
(come to think of it, I have quiet a few roomie stories that you will here over time so get familiar)

So Roomie and I were approaching our senior year spring break and we wanted to go somewhere different.  She is a crazy Elvis fan and wanted to go to graceland her entire life.  My godson is an army brat and I hadn't seen him in a while and he lived near nashville.  Memphis it is (by the way, this is my official favorite city in life- you HAVE to go there.)

So we get to the hotel, and as we are checking in the lady at the front desk said "oh, we gave you one king by accident.  Let me switch for you" and roomie said "no its fine!" with such enthusiasm that that became time #1 on this trip where we were mistaken for a lesbian couple.

We get in the hotel and roomie is like INSTANTLY naked.  Again- I am not a naked girl.  It didn't necessarily bother me but it did not make me comfortable.

At one point I was in the bathroom peeing and she just walked in.  Started talking to me.  She still laughs but does not realize this was literally my personal nightmare.  Some people are afraid of spiders, some people are afraid of serial killers, I would take a million of both not to be in that situation.

So, I learned my lesson.  In the middle of the night, I went into the bathroom and locked the door.  Perfect right?  NO because the friggin door got stuck!  It would not let me out.  This is the conversation that followed:

Me: (slamming loudly on the door) Roomie! ROOMIE! Roomieroomieroomie
Roomie: huh? what? (all sleepy)
Me: I am locked in the bathroom, you have to call the front desk
Roomie: yeah, okay
(silence)
Me: Roomie?
DID YOU FALL BACK ASLEEP?  roomieroomieroomieroomie  WAKE THE FUCK UP!
(slamming on the door)
Roomie: "WHAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Me: Call the fucking front desk!

So in my wait period, I was like holy shit... are they going to take off the doorknob?  This is not good.  This means she can walk in whenever!

So the maintenance man comes in and says sir, we are going to get you out of there. 
I am a girl
OH?  I could literally feel the confusion and then once again, I was mistaken for a lesbian.

Long story short I ended up getting myself out of the bathroom with a creditcard- stealth secret spy style.  And now I hate bathrooms even more.

But Memphis was great!

Olmec - by brother

Did you ever watch "Legends of the Hidden Temple" as a kid?
That show was the illest. I wanted to meet Olmec so BAD. Plus, I would always get pissed when people did not know where the temple guardians were going to be. It was always obvious, and was rather pathetic when people got caught. I knew if I ever got on that show I would OWN. But alas as a poor kid I could not stroll on down to Orlando to get in on this piece.

Fast foward to my freshmen year of college. It is Spring Weekend and there is a carnival in the Quad. While I for one, hate shared experiences (blog topic later) so I more or less roamed the carnival with some people and watched them have their moments.

I could see it there... In the center... all inflated and sexy.

I don't know if people remember the temple game that involved moving rocks from one end to another while being attached to a bungee cord. The object was to get as many rocks (or something)  at the end and bring them back to your basket while the bungee cord attempts to pull you back. (There were a few variations, but it was a pretty regular game)
This carnival had a moon bounce version of this game!
As I had not yet been involved in any festivities, I was pressured to go onto this one, but I did not need too much persuasion, because it was like living my 10 year old fantasies... if only Olmec were talking dirty to me while i was running... (what?)
So I get strapped in and the object in this game was: running against the pull of the bungee to get a beanbag as far as you can down the inflatable hall way. You race against another person in a mirrored hallway. The one who goes the furthest wins.
This was it, my moment to prove to Olmec that I was worth his time.
So I race my opponent and I dominate. (Yes, I was racing a girl, but that is neither here nor there)
I get farther that I had seen anyone else get. I plus the bean bag down and my socks slip and I go flying back.
Except I thought I should just let go and not inch back like I saw others do. It made it more fun
Until I landed on my head.

A few days go by and I get really sick

Like really sick

I have no control over my body temperature.

While standing in the center of my dorm room I collapse.

I go to the doctors...
I bruised my brain stem trying to prove to Olmec I was worth something

I almost died... by moon bounce

those shits are fucking dangerous... never let your child* play on one.

"I only know him in the dark"

No, this story is nothing like Jojo's song...
but I am pretty sure it inspired her to write it.

Back at Joe4Oil, high-roommate had a best friend who was at this apartment more than I was. He was just another member of our hodgepodge family. He didn't talk all that much and spent most of his time in high-roommate's room so he was no bother at all. (except that time he DESTROYED the greatest travel mug ever created! but it was an accident... and it was pretty funny that metal in a microwave was not on his list of concerning actions prior to that moment... but that is neither here nor there... nor is it actually relevant to the story I tell you today)

So one night I am sleeping and I am jerked out of sleep,

not by a noise, but by a presence.

You know those moments when you know the brain is capable of so much more than we use it for? This was one of those moments.
My brain woke me up because there was a presence in my room, not making a sound, but something in me knew that there was something wrong.
Joe4Oil was on a main street and we had some questionable neighbors, maybe they were outside my window.
I like to sleep in the pitch dark, so much so that I usually cover my alarm clock so I do not have that light.
But in the dark, I know something is wrong.
My brain in fixating as if something were to the left of me, and towering over me,
To say that I was scared was an understatement.
I could not see a figure, I could not hear a figure, but I could sense it.
I am wondering if this figure, who I assume to be some crazy serial-killer bent on killing me then raping my corpse (fair assumption) knows that I am there, inches away from him.
I slink back against the wall and try to make it to the end of my bed. (my bed is in the corner of my room, one side has an awe murderer and the other is free, but the furthest away from me)
I inch to the end of the bed, trying to not alert my homicidal friend to my whereabouts.
Then I hear shuffling
Holy shit, it is looking for me.
Should I yell to high-roommate? Maybe she can get out of the house and my death can slow the killer down. (Sister isn't home this evening.) And there is no way I am going out without a fight.
I grab the heaviest object around and prepare for war.
it happens to be my cataloging binder... WAR HE SHALL HAVE!
as I prepare to launch my binder I hear his breath.

the hair standing up on the back of my neck relaxes

not because I died... I wouldn't be writing this.

me: "[high-roommate's friend]?"
high-roommate's friend: huh-huh-huh??? in a daze
me: "[high-roommate's friend]?!?!?!?!
high-roommate's friend:what?!!? wha- [brother]?!?!
me: WHAT THE HELL
high-roommate's friend: HOLY SHIT YOU SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF ME!
me: I - I SCARED YOU!?!?!?
high-roommate's friend:what?
me: you're in my room!
high-roommate's friend:obviously still sleeping what? (he walks out of my room and into the bathroom across the hall)

Now that THAT terror is over I think: HOLY SHIT DID HE PEE IN HERE?!?
luckily no.

The next day I see high-roommate and I say: "BAHAHAHA we need to talk"
high-roommate:" about what?"
me: "your friend slept walked into my room and scared the fuck out of me"
high-roommate: "HAHA oh man when he woke up he said "I had a dream about going into [brother's] room last night"
me: "well... that was real, and I have never been so afraid in my life"
(i then relayed all of the emotions I attempted to convey here.)

good... times!

Karaoke in A.J. Wright...

let you know about me... from brother

I should probably be on film because of the things that happen to me. It would not be boring and over-rated like teen-whores. It would be like an interesting version of reality shows. I am going to use this blog to tell some of the great things that happen to me.

The time I sang Karaoke at an A.J. Wright...

So I am at A.J. Wright to buy a hat box
For some reason I needed to buy a friend a hat box
it was imperative I swear. My best friend from college and I went searching high and low for a fucking hat box. Old Ladies are still around, why could I not find one... where do old people shop? They closed down all the Caldor's... A.J Wright it is...

So we scour the place and find a really bad hat box that was like snowman themed or some shit. The hatbox is merely the vehicle to this moment, not the highlight.

So OF COURSE, because we are in the ghetto ass town I grew up in, there is one employee working the store during Christmas-time. And I am third in line, sweet! ... right??? I mean there are only two people ahead of me... I am pumped...

then I see it...

customer #1 has 2 carts, full of clothes... two fucking carts...

SWEET JESUS.


but I have been that employee, so I will not lose my temper...

although this employee is taking her sweet time scanning everything...


THE TIME TO TALK IS LATER BITCH! GET SCANNING!!! (stay calm brother.... stay calm)

15+ minutes later... onto cart 2


I WILL EAT YOUR HEART!

finally the manager walks over and opens another lane (stay calm brother... stay calm)
Lady in front of me is only buying a crystal lamp (fake) and I am like "whew... she won't be too long"
she pulls out coins
SWEET MOTHER IN HEAVEN I WILL REAP YOUR SOUL SHE-DEVIL!!!!!

But I am trying to look calm... then it happens
Samantha Mumba's "Gotta tell you" comes on the loud speaker
so let's see, she female... and black... so obviously this song is my jam!

I am hugging my hat box, as if it were some type of baby (assuming one would ever want to touch such a disgusting creature) and breaking it DOWN to Ms. Mumba...

I close my eyes and get INTO-IT. God damn I am breaking that shit DOWN.
then I hear it...

MY voice...
on the loud speaker...
not Samantha Mumba... me...
I open my eyes...
Manager is holding the loud speaker up to me...
I turn to see my friend...literally on the floor laughing...
I turn and see the store... looking at me...
I am pretty sure an angel dies every time I sing... I think I just killed Jesus with my voice on a loudspeaker...
I paid for my hatbox and left

(turns out that swipe landed me in the database that was hacked in that T.J.X. scandal...)

greatest moment of my life... at the time... yes... better stories to follow...

this is where my head is

This is where my head is at today.... I am sitting looking through Facebook pictures... I know this girl who has 5 kids and I gather from her posts that one of her kids is autistic, so brother just walked in to the room while I was on facebook and he was like what are you doing?  And my answer was literally "my friend has like 5 kids and one is autistic, I want to see which one it is"

Seriously? 

I have worked TOO MANY long hours lately.  Someone needs a nap.

love,
Sister

p.s. tomorrow, after my board presentation, you are getting STORIES

Proud to be an American...

Where I flush after I pee!!!!
(that's the lyrics right? who cares it's country. 90's R&B all day! heck yeahhhh)

So I saw Babel today and I must say that I am glad I was born in America. I mean yes we have retarded people called "tea-baggers*" and Sarah Palin but at least it isn't gross. (Well the South isn't always too nice but it is better than Morocco or Egypt.) [*I am aware that they are some variation of "tea-party" but that was already used in American history so they can fuck themselves. Maybe they can pick up a book to find shit out first, also they should know that people of color deserve rights.] But enough of my disappointment in America because this is a pro-American post. I have a toilet I get to flush when I feel like it and I get to shower everyday. I mean even in the Ireland you have to add a boost of hot water to get a nice hot shower, I thought they were civilized... In the movie there was dirt everywhere, I sweep multiple times a week just to avoid a little dirt on my floor, these people HAD dirt floors. Unacceptable.

Moral of the story: America isn't perfect but I cannot think of a better place. (Canada would be okay if it weren't so cold all the time there)


Also OBAMA-OBAMA-OBAMA-OBAMA
<3 him

-bro

diet coke and fat kids

After my brother's anti-fat woman blast, I have decided to write on one of my least favorite things about being a fatty

DIET COKE.

okay so I was just watching Family Guy and the quote was something to the effective of "like when fat women discovered diet coke" and then it switched to a fat woman who said "now I can eat anything I want" and you know what?  Its totally true!  Fat women love diet coke and always get it.

I, however, am not one of those fat girls.  Because if I walk into Wendy's and get chicken nuggets and fries, I just want a regular coke.  BUT EVERYONE ALWAYS GIVES ME DIET!  I am like gee guy, if you are worried about my caloric intake, take away the fries.  I used to get insulted like what are you trying to say?  But then I realized i its cause all fat ladies except me do it.

So I say FAT GIRLS UNITE!  Diet for real or shut up about it...

bitches....

Bitches should probably know

Why do ugly girls think they are attractive?
I though Hollywood was making us all feel ugly...
but there are these fat ugly bitches who somehow think they are attractive.
I blame Dove! just because Dove had pretty fatties on doesn't mean every fatty is pretty.
Plus you're not even fat, but I call you fat to make you feel bad about yourself.
A girl is only fat when she is a bitch
Recognize...
Story from today:
Dumb bitch in front of me stops and bends over. I almost plow into her because there was no reason for her to stop. I don't know what she thought but she rolled her eyes like I was checking her out. And then she did this "tisk" with her mouth fat.
So I said, "Oh heffer please, the only reason I gave you a second look was because you're missing your collar"

LOOOOOOOVE, Brother

abusing little brothers

As you know from earlier posts, brother and I have a littlest brother.  As he is 16 and all angsty teenager rocker dude, he sometimes likes to express his emotions through facebook, like everyone else in the world.

So since I think I am hilarious, I like to comment on his posts in the manner that most fits… teasing.  And I wonder why he hates me, haha!

 The following are our 2 most classic posts.

Post 1:  June 16, 2010

Littlest brother: thinking

Comments (in order):

Me: about running away and living off the land?

Me: about becoming a lion tamer

Me: about meeting Dakota Fanning and falling head over heels in love and eloping (she’s your age right?)

Me: about how you can’t wait to watch the entire twilight series in succession?

Me: about switching from guitar to the clarinet, because that is really where your heart is?

Me: about the fact that you have secretly become a fan of country music, much to the shame of your older siblings?

Me: ohhh better about marrying selena gomez, I want her in our family make it happen!

Me: about kicking rabbits?  You shouldn’t do that, a guy down here got arrested for killing 8 rabbits

Me: about coming up with a new priest and a rabbi joke? 

Me: about Lindsey lohan, because she was so much better during mean girls time?

Me: about how you disagree when they chant ugly sister for khloe kardashian, cause you like a handsome woman?

Me: about how its had getting confused with zack and cody all the time?

Me: about how you always wanted a chia pet and never got one?

Me: about how formspring sounds weird as a name?  like why not questionme or something… formspring sounds like a mattress

Okay I am still at work and its super late, so I will type the other one some other day.  Hope you enjoyed.