true codependency part 2

I have only been up an hour and a half and have already had TWO incidents where I needed brother.

1.  We clearly have a little gender role reversal when I had to break down and text him to find out where we keep the iron

2. I clearly cannot properly make a cup of tea without his assistance.

How am I gonna live when he gets a big kid job and moves?

sister's one liners

I am the queen of funny responses, where clearly brother is the king of the story.  So every once in a while when I am particularly on my game, I will add in quotes of the night.

Last night we went out with brother's friends for his bestie's birthday.  Brother has this one friend, and I don't know if I want to call him crazyeyes or the hairy jew but our conversation was the best of the night so here you go:
Hairy Jew: You know I am jewish but also part black (clearly, a lie)
me: oh yeah?
HJ: yeah I have been through a lot of hardships
me: okay- quick whats worse?  Holocaust or slavery? Go!
HJ: yes

Hahahaha still funny to me.
Back to your reading people.

avoid eye contact

This is a story from sister

I NEVER LEARN.
I am nosey and I have a staring problem.  This has put me in alllll sorts of fucked up situations, but none more comical than the midget story.

One day I was in a bar with two of my girlfriends, and they were in a deep conversation while I was being nosy, taking in my surroundings.  My ears perked up when my white friend goes "who brings a child into a bar?!" and my black friend goes "you are retarded, its a little person"
As this is all sinking in I look across and accidentally stare at this Willy Nelson looking character. FUCK. We locked eyes and he thinks that means I am interested.  This will be a long night.

So over walks Mr. Nelson and he is talking towards the floor.  Through the crowd I can't see him, and I am VERY purposefully trying not to pay attention.  However soon the crowd clears and WN comes straight up to me, next to a midget.  They introduce themselves, tell me and my friends that they worked on Oil Rigs, and the purpose of the midget is to crawl through the little spaces no one else could.  (is that legal?)  Then they said they were in town for 2 days and looking for some fun.  Then WN made the midget break dance.

THIS WAS NOT BREAK DANCING.  It was just a poor little midget boy kicking and spinning on the floor.  This is unacceptable, my social justice side kicks in to full effect, and I become that midgets best friend ever, just to get him away from the sketchy guy.  I mean there was SO much wrong.  Willy Nelson looked at least 50, and the midget was only just 21.  WN kept carting the little guy around to each different group of girls and made him do tricks like a circus monkey.  It was awful.

So while WN was going back and forth between me and the white friend, telling each of us that we look alike (we do NOT!) and then individually telling each of us that we are prettier than the other (there is no question here, I am the prettier one), black friend and I were making good conversation with the midget.  He became our friend for the night and didn't let WN guide him around. 

He asked me to go back to his hotel room with him, and I was like no, no thank you.  He still stayed.  He stayed until we left the bar.  He kept asking, I kept saying that I wasn't that kind of girl (shut up! I am not always that kind of girl!)

Then, the most embarrassing realization came true.  So through the night I was noticing even though we were up he still talked looking down, diverting eye contact.  He had some weird gestures, but I didn't really put it together until this moment.
So I was bending down, and there was frankly a full view of my chest at his eye level.  So I was like seriously, I know its right there but relax.  Then I realized he wasn't staring, his eyes were closed.  Then he started rubbing them intensely.  FUCKING A.  Dude is autistic.  That's right folks, my aspergers (however you spell that damn word) boy from a few weeks ago was not my first autistic.  My first autistic was a midget who worked on an oil rig.

I hope my own little leprechaun had a wonderful st. patty's day this week, and I hope he has learned to break dance better.

A librarian in the gym...

it isn't pretty. We are meant for reading not running...

This is a the story of the time:
I fell off a stationary bike
enjoy:


It was my Sophomore year of college and I journeyed to my college's sport complex to get in a work out. And by work out, I mean ride the stationary bike, use an elliptical and use the row machine.

I started with the bike because it is my favorite. I could bike for hours.

So I throw the ole' headphones around the noggin (They were the wrap around the back of the neck kind) press play on the IPOD and got-a-cycling! 

I failed to do two things, check my shoelaces and untangle my headphones.

Bad looks. 

As I pedal, the laces of my left shoe begin to twirl around the pedal. This tightens my laces but I am only a minute into my 'ride' so I fail to notice the tightening of my shoe...

Then as I pedal down my right leg, my left knee slips into a knot in my headphone wire...

BAM!
What happened you asked?

As I began to pedal down with my left leg, it brought my head with me. (Remember the headphones were around the back of my head)

I slammed my head into the display,

But oh no it didn't stop there.


The momentum from my pedaling was still in control. I fell off the left side of the bike.
But my shoe was so tight when I started to fall it caught me -MID AIR-
 
Causing me to dangle helplessly.
 
I could not get my foot out of the shoe because it was so tight.

As my head finally hits the ground I look back and see the people on the treadmills miss a step, trying to see what calamity was going on beside them.

The attendant, is truly too confused to react - until she bursts out in laughter


I finally widen my shoe enough to finish falling to the ground.


By now the entire room is silent, staring...

"Did that just happen?" - YEP

I re-tied my shoe, took the knots out of my headphones and hopped back on because what the hell else should I have done? 
-leggo-


~Brother

its scary seeing brother at the gym

If brother has not told you yet, he has had a few run ins with gym equipment that are HYSTERICAL.  Today, we were at the gym and I was on the upper level and could see him on the stationary bike.  And I kept thinking, holy shit I am nervous he is gonna die on the stationary bike (write the damn story brother!)

Since my favorite machines are upstairs and his are down, not to creepify the situation, but I have seen him down on the bikes dozens of times and never was worried.  But for some reason today I was like oh man, something bad is gonna happen.

Turns out that reason is that I am psychic.  When I was done with my workout, I went over to him and he was on a treadmill.  I don't know if he forgot to hit stop but he just stopped walking and then had to cartoon style run to get back on.  He was falling, and even though I was so so worried, I didn't even move to help catch him.  I just watched and laughed.  Bad sister.

response from sister

My horoscope says today is the day to mend problems in the home

Hey at least you are coming back to fresh, clean sheets :)

response from brother

When I walked in the aparment I was impressed at the Sigma Kappa Delta party that sister must have thrown... but the real thing that threw me off was when I was staring at my bed, unmade (as I left it) with black sheets... uh... something is different... (5 minutes later) ... those aren't my sheets...

theme of the weekend: "I'm not mad I'm disappointed"
I got to say that to my Dad after he crashed my car and to my big sister after she threw a kegger in my absence...

scared of brother

Its 5am and I just got home from a night out- a combination of being a multi-stop taxi and daylight savings made for one exceptionally late night. Brother cleaned the house really well this week and in my weekend alone I apparently threw a party or hosted a war- but its safe to say I have ruined all his good work. For some reason when mother told me brother was coming home monday, I believed her. Stupid. He is coming home. So this is my #codependencyhilarity "text from last night"
(339)Dearest brother, I am exceptionally concerned about your arrival in the morning as I have turned the house you cleaned into a disaster area. I am not working
(339)Tomorrow and plan to fully clean the house. I forgot about daylight savings time and had to drive everyone home. Its 5am. Please don't hurt me. Loovvveee you.

To sum up- don't be mad brother!!!

things fat girls do... and are fat girls the new midgets?

Okay so as a fat girl (if you couldn't tell by my other posts) I get very confused when fat girls do certain things.

You have read my diet coke rant... now lets talk about heels.  Listen ladies, if you weigh 200lbs, you got NO BUSINESS wearing way high heels.  We are mean to our ankles anyways, making them carry all this weight around.  We should be icing them shits down instead of making them balance on sticks.  You would laugh if a skinny girl walked on toothpicks right?  WELL THAT IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.  golly.  This has been a public service announcement.

Warning:  the next section explains explicit content manner.  reader discretion is advised.

Okay on to my piece, are fat girls the new midgets?  Its an expose I am writing about the elicit underground fascination that men have suddenly picked up- fucking a fatty is a check mark apparently... someone call Tucker Max and ask him whats up.

As a fat white girl with a gianormous, black girl ass, I have a target audience- meaning black and hispanic men, usually between 30-45.  This works for me, because I like black and spanish guys... hooray all things work out.  However, lately there has been an influx of interested white guys and this is throwing off my game a bit.  With white dudes I have always formed friendships but am RARELY hit on.   Here is the story of pervyanthony:

I met pervyanthony out one night and we just chatted... it was not sexual, it was not even attractiveness based, it was just we were talking because our friends were hooking up.  Talked about how its weird being newly single, that I have no single friends, blah blah blah.  Exchanged numbers and I am innocently psyched about picking up a single friend (cause let me tell you, I am SICK SICK SICK of hanging with couples).

Then I text pervyanthony (which, by the way, is literally how he is saved in my phone) and this is literally the conversation that follows by text
Me: hi
PA: I think big girls are really sexy, I think you are really sexy, do you like threesomes
me: um is this a joke?
PA: no me and my fuckbuddy are looking for someone to have a threesome with and can you do it?
me: oh no, no thank you.
PA: what about just me and you?  I lovvvvveeeeee having sex with big girls
me: oh no, no thank you.

conversation over.  but then I start to get MAD.  What the fuck weren't we in a bar together?  And you didn't hit on me then... so am I like embarrassing to be around?  Your secret wish is a fatty but you pretend you are not into them because fat girls are not socially acceptable?  This is the conversation that followed:

 me: so let me get this straight... you lovveeee having sex with big girls but do you date them or just fuck them?  Are we the new midgets?  does everyone just need to fuck a fatty once in their life?
PA:  No reason really.  They turn me on.  just one of those things I guess.
me:  I see that you are avoiding my ACTUAL question- which is do you date fat girls or just fuck them.
PA:  Love to just fuck them.  A lot
me: hahaha but you would never bring one home?  I see
PA: (explicit material deleted) you like?
me: Do I like that you are telling me that I am like a circus freak- that you want to fuck me in secret but would never take me out?  No, I am insulted and now realize I intensely need to lose weight.

So there you have it.  I wonder if fat porn sales have gone up.  Apparently, fat girls are in fact the new midgets- good for secret sex and nothing else.  No offense midgets, but you get what I mean.

Is this for real?  Between the autistic delight and this I am starting to hate men.  White men anyways.  Where my black dudes at, lol.

How to be a good friend...

You ever look at someone and go "doesn't s/he have friends?"
or do you ever see someone out with 'friends' and think that is just a group of douches. I know you want to look good by letting your friend act/look a fool, but be a good friend. Tell your friend when they look terrible.
Now you don't have to be blunt like me, but maybe say: "hey, playa - uh wanna hit up the mall?" then when s/he picks out clothes, tell them what would look really good on them.

Example: Dude is wearing white sneakers while trying pick up women (not shelltoes or anything relevant , white reeboks)
You: "Hey I'm going sneaker/shoe shopping, want to come with?
Friend: "Yeah, my old pair were getting ratty"
You: "I noticed"
Friend: "What?"
You:"What?!?"
[later at the store - friend gravitates toward a terrible yet expected pair of white nike's]

You: "Those are nice but you need a going out sneaker"
Friend: "These are my going out sneakers"
You: "Uhhhhhh, let's try these"
Friend: OMG I am totally getting girls it must be the shoes! (well he probably won't say this but he will think it!)



also, if you have a friend who wears ed hardy... it is time for an intervention...


I mean this is why we humans group... to correct inappropriate behavior...

Yes, it is always funny to talk about people behind their backs and make fun of people because you - yourself - are of course perfect... 

but when a friend walks out of the house with her cottage cheese thighs flapping in the breeze like a cooter, you should let a bitch know

and that is how to be a good friend.

~Brother

Addition from sister

I was sitting in Cheers when I recieved a text from brother saying I had to repost this and I have two things to say about it.

A. DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIEND IT IS A GOOD PICTURE WHEN IT IS HORRENDOUS.  Sometimes people are like oh! thats a nice picture! and I am pretty sure I have 754095729457 chins in it.  Fuck you.  Just say its a bad picture.

B. Seriously, though I agree with what brother said, though at some point you will have to be stern, whether you like it or not.  I am going to share an experience with you where I utterly failed at life, and hopefully from this experience you will never fail as a friend again.

I used to work with this girl, and lets just call her a hot mess.  She always OVER TRIED to dress up- ill fitting skirts, the whole deal.  Also, everything she had was at least one size too small.  Seriously, in pictures I looked skinnier than her solely because of my clothes when I was probably 2 sizes bigger.

When we started working together, I did not like hot mess.  So when she wore asymmetrical skirts that were too tight but went down to her shin in a funny line, printed tights, and strappy high sandals that had the sole popping out, I would just take pictures with my camera on my cell and send them to my friends.  Then hot mess started growing on me.

So I did like brother suggested and took her shopping.  And I did GOOD.  And luckily, hot mess is cheap cheap cheap so she lasted in those clothes for quite some time!

We stopped working together, but I was confident I made my mark with her... that she finally got what looked good and what did not.  I was so proud.  But I did not do the follow up work.  I went to her house after we hadn't worked together and I saw them.   high strappy sandals, sole ripped to the side.  She never threw them away.  and she CLEARLY wore them, they were with all her other ridiculously high shoes that were her "work shoes"

The moral of this story is when trying to change friends for the better, you have to be more aggressive.  Throw it away yourself, and never, ever let them shop for themselves again.

#codependencyhilarity

#codependencyhilarity - The other day sister texted me and said not to rush home, cougartown wasn't on

#codependencyhilarity - I bring home movies/books from the library I know sister would enjoy

Holy shit I was walking down the street and I slipped on vaginas

You know when you hear some so vial and disgusting you instantly write a song about it...


This a song we wrote about a 55 year old divorcee our mother knows who dated excessively after her divorce. And her vagina fell out... that can apparently happen!

I walked into a room where sister was, and sprang into my best Britney Spears:
"I think my vag fell again" 
and so it was decided, this song needed to be written.

I think my vag fell again,
and you just tried to push it back in

Oh baby – don’t make a sound
cuz my grown ass kids, are hanging around
cuz I keep having old sex,
wrinkled dicks are too much for me

Oh baby baby Opps – my vag fell again
you played with my twat
it’s shape won’t maintain

Oh baby baby
Opps, I hope your wearing a glove
I’ve had too much loooove
That shit ain’t sanitary

You see my problem is this
My vag fell away -

Detached from my UUUUUU-terus

I cry, ev-er-y day

When I try reattach in a new way

But I lost all my mensies and it hurts when I pee

Oh baby baby Opps – my vag fell again
you played with my twat
it’s shape won’t maintain

Oh baby baby
Opps, I hope your wearing a glove
I’ve had too much loooove
That shit ain’t sanitary

Ow – ow - Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeahhhhhh

[train conductor] All aboard

(man) Will I fit
(aunt) theres room for one more
(man) is this gay
no, just don’t let your penises touch
Now get on in there
Aww well if you insist

Opps my- vag fell again your arms
got lost, in the sheets oh baby
Opps you –  (Opps you)  just tried to push it back in

THIS IS GROOOSSSSSSSS

Opps my- vag fell again your arms
got lost, in the sheets oh baby
Opps you –  (Opps you)  just tried to push it back in

It’s not that Sanitary

Opps my- vag fell again your arms
got lost, in the sheets oh baby
Opps you –  weren’t wearing a gloooove

Somebody push me down the stairs

SWEET JESUS

This is a breaking news story by sister

Okay so we live in this rich town and I work here so I am not among the rich.  I met this dude at the grocery store and even though he is NOT attractive.  I do want to mention for one second that I do think that it is completely necessary for people to know their attractiveness number, and that people need to stick within that number

So I give in to meet this dude for lunch at a local bagel shop.  He was there like 45 mins early and I was like 20 mins late- see thats what you get for dating outside your number (I suggest listening to Dwayne Perkins sketch on it- hits the nail on the head).  As we are there I learn that he used to work at that bagel shop so basically he was trying to show me off.

YES works at the bagel shop.  Lives in my rich town.  Did I really find the one poor 35 yr old in this town
WAIT it gets better
he lives with his mom
he wants to be a professional poker player
he walked to the bagel shop cause he doesn't have a car
he and his friend had a big conversation about me cause he decided to pull my pic off facebook and show all his friends and he already is hinting at taking me to a wedding- gah!
AND I don't find him attractive. THIS IS A DISASTER.

AND NOW FOR THE BREAKING NEWS
So I try to be nice cause he isn't a bad guy but I just am not interested.
Then he starts stalking my life.  I was like bro you are gonna have to relax.
Then he goes "what do you know about aspbergers"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
my life is a joke.  Wait til I tell you the midget story.

The time I was almost murdered- by sister

My first significant boyfriend was a Mexican engineering student. 

Like all young couples who think they are in love and plan to be that way forever, there was the inevitable meeting of the parents.  The Mexican’s mom, half sister, and stepfather lived in Connecticut, and we were in Massachusetts and carless.  That meant this his mom picked us up on Friday and brought us home for the entire weekend.  Awesome. 

Mama Mexican definitely thought she was the cool mom.  She let us sleep together, and even though I was only 19 she was big into me joining in the household drinking.  The Mexican was so excited for me to try his mom’s home cooking, particularly her “Chocolate Chicken” (for those of you who are not exposed to the Mexicans that is actually called Mole).  When I came in I thought it was so cool that she handed me a drink right away and was cooking this huge family dinner.  My family isn't huge into big family dinners like that so this was new to me.  She served us all instead of us getting up and getting our own food, which was also VERY new to me.  We had a nice time.  Step dad looked at me a little too much, sent some uncomfortable vibes, but what can you do?

In the middle of the night, the vomiting started.  I did not sleep at all.  The Mexican kept wondering why I did not want to do the elicit, dirty sex on the parents’ pull out couch thing.  The next day, the mom continued to hand me drinks.  This started at “Happy Hour” which was apparently a big thing in this family.  When I said “no” to drinks, the Mexican said it was rude not to take what she offered, and she kept making me concoctions with orange juice.  Have you ever spent a day throwing up and said to yourself hmm... time for some OJ... preferably with vodka?  I guarantee you have not.  The vomiting continued through the entire trip.

By the time I got to my parents house on Sunday, I was completely gray.  My mom look at me and then made me go to the hospital.  The gave me two bags of fluids.  I went to the doctors 4 times that week.  My doctor made me take a pregnancy test, because all teenage girls who throw up  are pregnant, obviously.  They sent those results to my parents, by the way.  Luckily, I convinced my mother I was still a virgin- manipulation on my part or denial on her part, I don’t really care either way it worked.  I lost ten pounds that week.  The end diagnosis was food poisoning. 

There were a few fun parts, though, to that whole week of vomiting.  First, my lovely mexcian at one point accused me of fooling around with his roommate, who had mono.  (Mono! I wish!  I have been trying to get mono for years- I hear its the best diet ever!)  Secondly, once I felt better and could visit him, he LOVED the fact that I lost ten pounds!  Where were his priorities?  I was in the hospital for goodness sakes!

I never came out and told him his mother gave me food poisoning, but he stopped asking so I am assuming he got the idea.  For a while, I really thought I may be allergic to Mexican food in general- but now it is legitimately my favorite kind of food, so I am holding firm that the bitch tried to poison me.

true codependency

Last night I came home to brother frosting cupcakes.  When I came in he heated up my dinner and cleaned the kitchen.

He is an alien.  I think that he has totally fucked up my expectations of what a man should do in the house- like my husband will not stand a chance.  What am I going to do when he moves away and gets a grown up job?  He is only here because I am providing him with a home.  I am screwed... you will probably see me on an episode of hoarders.

Days like yesterday are prime examples of why one of my coworkers calls us life partners.  As the blog is starting to form we are telling you a little about each of us, so you understand why together we are so, so messed up :)