I am generally one of those people who is super, ridiculously private about my privates- if brother is home I always have a bra on (under my shirt), I do not change in the same room as my sister (othersister) and I will never, ever, ever be one of those people who leaves the bathroom door open. EVER. Regardless of if I have been married 100 years. One of the many reasons I NEVER want children is because when they get to that age that most of my friends kids have and they are in the shower so you can show them how or whatever- jesus christ that is like my personal nightmare. I am also very much not a cuddler. That the background you need for this story.
This brings me to a story with me and my college roomie, and the time the bathroom rebelled against.
(come to think of it, I have quiet a few roomie stories that you will here over time so get familiar)
So Roomie and I were approaching our senior year spring break and we wanted to go somewhere different. She is a crazy Elvis fan and wanted to go to graceland her entire life. My godson is an army brat and I hadn't seen him in a while and he lived near nashville. Memphis it is (by the way, this is my official favorite city in life- you HAVE to go there.)
So we get to the hotel, and as we are checking in the lady at the front desk said "oh, we gave you one king by accident. Let me switch for you" and roomie said "no its fine!" with such enthusiasm that that became time #1 on this trip where we were mistaken for a lesbian couple.
We get in the hotel and roomie is like INSTANTLY naked. Again- I am not a naked girl. It didn't necessarily bother me but it did not make me comfortable.
At one point I was in the bathroom peeing and she just walked in. Started talking to me. She still laughs but does not realize this was literally my personal nightmare. Some people are afraid of spiders, some people are afraid of serial killers, I would take a million of both not to be in that situation.
So, I learned my lesson. In the middle of the night, I went into the bathroom and locked the door. Perfect right? NO because the friggin door got stuck! It would not let me out. This is the conversation that followed:
Me: (slamming loudly on the door) Roomie! ROOMIE! Roomieroomieroomie
Roomie: huh? what? (all sleepy)
Me: I am locked in the bathroom, you have to call the front desk
Roomie: yeah, okay
(silence)
Me: Roomie?
DID YOU FALL BACK ASLEEP? roomieroomieroomieroomie WAKE THE FUCK UP!
(slamming on the door)
Roomie: "WHAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Me: Call the fucking front desk!
So in my wait period, I was like holy shit... are they going to take off the doorknob? This is not good. This means she can walk in whenever!
So the maintenance man comes in and says sir, we are going to get you out of there.
I am a girl
OH? I could literally feel the confusion and then once again, I was mistaken for a lesbian.
Long story short I ended up getting myself out of the bathroom with a creditcard- stealth secret spy style. And now I hate bathrooms even more.
But Memphis was great!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Olmec - by brother
Did you ever watch "Legends of the Hidden Temple" as a kid?
That show was the illest. I wanted to meet Olmec so BAD. Plus, I would always get pissed when people did not know where the temple guardians were going to be. It was always obvious, and was rather pathetic when people got caught. I knew if I ever got on that show I would OWN. But alas as a poor kid I could not stroll on down to Orlando to get in on this piece.
Fast foward to my freshmen year of college. It is Spring Weekend and there is a carnival in the Quad. While I for one, hate shared experiences (blog topic later) so I more or less roamed the carnival with some people and watched them have their moments.
I could see it there... In the center... all inflated and sexy.
I don't know if people remember the temple game that involved moving rocks from one end to another while being attached to a bungee cord. The object was to get as many rocks (or something) at the end and bring them back to your basket while the bungee cord attempts to pull you back. (There were a few variations, but it was a pretty regular game)
This carnival had a moon bounce version of this game!
As I had not yet been involved in any festivities, I was pressured to go onto this one, but I did not need too much persuasion, because it was like living my 10 year old fantasies... if only Olmec were talking dirty to me while i was running... (what?)
So I get strapped in and the object in this game was: running against the pull of the bungee to get a beanbag as far as you can down the inflatable hall way. You race against another person in a mirrored hallway. The one who goes the furthest wins.
This was it, my moment to prove to Olmec that I was worth his time.
So I race my opponent and I dominate. (Yes, I was racing a girl, but that is neither here nor there)
I get farther that I had seen anyone else get. I plus the bean bag down and my socks slip and I go flying back.
Except I thought I should just let go and not inch back like I saw others do. It made it more fun
Until I landed on my head.
A few days go by and I get really sick
Like really sick
I have no control over my body temperature.
While standing in the center of my dorm room I collapse.
I go to the doctors...
I bruised my brain stem trying to prove to Olmec I was worth something
I almost died... by moon bounce
those shits are fucking dangerous... never let your child* play on one.
That show was the illest. I wanted to meet Olmec so BAD. Plus, I would always get pissed when people did not know where the temple guardians were going to be. It was always obvious, and was rather pathetic when people got caught. I knew if I ever got on that show I would OWN. But alas as a poor kid I could not stroll on down to Orlando to get in on this piece.
Fast foward to my freshmen year of college. It is Spring Weekend and there is a carnival in the Quad. While I for one, hate shared experiences (blog topic later) so I more or less roamed the carnival with some people and watched them have their moments.
I could see it there... In the center... all inflated and sexy.
I don't know if people remember the temple game that involved moving rocks from one end to another while being attached to a bungee cord. The object was to get as many rocks (or something) at the end and bring them back to your basket while the bungee cord attempts to pull you back. (There were a few variations, but it was a pretty regular game)
This carnival had a moon bounce version of this game!
As I had not yet been involved in any festivities, I was pressured to go onto this one, but I did not need too much persuasion, because it was like living my 10 year old fantasies... if only Olmec were talking dirty to me while i was running... (what?)
So I get strapped in and the object in this game was: running against the pull of the bungee to get a beanbag as far as you can down the inflatable hall way. You race against another person in a mirrored hallway. The one who goes the furthest wins.
This was it, my moment to prove to Olmec that I was worth his time.
So I race my opponent and I dominate. (Yes, I was racing a girl, but that is neither here nor there)
I get farther that I had seen anyone else get. I plus the bean bag down and my socks slip and I go flying back.
Except I thought I should just let go and not inch back like I saw others do. It made it more fun
Until I landed on my head.
A few days go by and I get really sick
Like really sick
I have no control over my body temperature.
While standing in the center of my dorm room I collapse.
I go to the doctors...
I bruised my brain stem trying to prove to Olmec I was worth something
I almost died... by moon bounce
those shits are fucking dangerous... never let your child* play on one.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
"I only know him in the dark"
No, this story is nothing like Jojo's song...
but I am pretty sure it inspired her to write it.
Back at Joe4Oil, high-roommate had a best friend who was at this apartment more than I was. He was just another member of our hodgepodge family. He didn't talk all that much and spent most of his time in high-roommate's room so he was no bother at all. (except that time he DESTROYED the greatest travel mug ever created! but it was an accident... and it was pretty funny that metal in a microwave was not on his list of concerning actions prior to that moment... but that is neither here nor there... nor is it actually relevant to the story I tell you today)
So one night I am sleeping and I am jerked out of sleep,
not by a noise, but by a presence.
You know those moments when you know the brain is capable of so much more than we use it for? This was one of those moments.
My brain woke me up because there was a presence in my room, not making a sound, but something in me knew that there was something wrong.
Joe4Oil was on a main street and we had some questionable neighbors, maybe they were outside my window.
I like to sleep in the pitch dark, so much so that I usually cover my alarm clock so I do not have that light.
But in the dark, I know something is wrong.
My brain in fixating as if something were to the left of me, and towering over me,
To say that I was scared was an understatement.
I could not see a figure, I could not hear a figure, but I could sense it.
I am wondering if this figure, who I assume to be some crazy serial-killer bent on killing me then raping my corpse (fair assumption) knows that I am there, inches away from him.
I slink back against the wall and try to make it to the end of my bed. (my bed is in the corner of my room, one side has an awe murderer and the other is free, but the furthest away from me)
I inch to the end of the bed, trying to not alert my homicidal friend to my whereabouts.
Then I hear shuffling
Holy shit, it is looking for me.
Should I yell to high-roommate? Maybe she can get out of the house and my death can slow the killer down. (Sister isn't home this evening.) And there is no way I am going out without a fight.
I grab the heaviest object around and prepare for war.
it happens to be my cataloging binder... WAR HE SHALL HAVE!
as I prepare to launch my binder I hear his breath.
the hair standing up on the back of my neck relaxes
not because I died... I wouldn't be writing this.
me: "[high-roommate's friend]?"
high-roommate's friend: huh-huh-huh??? in a daze
me: "[high-roommate's friend]?!?!?!?!
high-roommate's friend:what?!!? wha- [brother]?!?!
me: WHAT THE HELL
high-roommate's friend: HOLY SHIT YOU SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF ME!
me: I - I SCARED YOU!?!?!?
high-roommate's friend:what?
me: you're in my room!
high-roommate's friend:obviously still sleeping what? (he walks out of my room and into the bathroom across the hall)
Now that THAT terror is over I think: HOLY SHIT DID HE PEE IN HERE?!?
luckily no.
The next day I see high-roommate and I say: "BAHAHAHA we need to talk"
high-roommate:" about what?"
me: "your friend slept walked into my room and scared the fuck out of me"
high-roommate: "HAHA oh man when he woke up he said "I had a dream about going into [brother's] room last night"
me: "well... that was real, and I have never been so afraid in my life"
(i then relayed all of the emotions I attempted to convey here.)
good... times!
but I am pretty sure it inspired her to write it.
Back at Joe4Oil, high-roommate had a best friend who was at this apartment more than I was. He was just another member of our hodgepodge family. He didn't talk all that much and spent most of his time in high-roommate's room so he was no bother at all. (except that time he DESTROYED the greatest travel mug ever created! but it was an accident... and it was pretty funny that metal in a microwave was not on his list of concerning actions prior to that moment... but that is neither here nor there... nor is it actually relevant to the story I tell you today)
So one night I am sleeping and I am jerked out of sleep,
not by a noise, but by a presence.
You know those moments when you know the brain is capable of so much more than we use it for? This was one of those moments.
My brain woke me up because there was a presence in my room, not making a sound, but something in me knew that there was something wrong.
Joe4Oil was on a main street and we had some questionable neighbors, maybe they were outside my window.
I like to sleep in the pitch dark, so much so that I usually cover my alarm clock so I do not have that light.
But in the dark, I know something is wrong.
My brain in fixating as if something were to the left of me, and towering over me,
To say that I was scared was an understatement.
I could not see a figure, I could not hear a figure, but I could sense it.
I am wondering if this figure, who I assume to be some crazy serial-killer bent on killing me then raping my corpse (fair assumption) knows that I am there, inches away from him.
I slink back against the wall and try to make it to the end of my bed. (my bed is in the corner of my room, one side has an awe murderer and the other is free, but the furthest away from me)
I inch to the end of the bed, trying to not alert my homicidal friend to my whereabouts.
Then I hear shuffling
Holy shit, it is looking for me.
Should I yell to high-roommate? Maybe she can get out of the house and my death can slow the killer down. (Sister isn't home this evening.) And there is no way I am going out without a fight.
I grab the heaviest object around and prepare for war.
it happens to be my cataloging binder... WAR HE SHALL HAVE!
as I prepare to launch my binder I hear his breath.
the hair standing up on the back of my neck relaxes
not because I died... I wouldn't be writing this.
me: "[high-roommate's friend]?"
high-roommate's friend: huh-huh-huh??? in a daze
me: "[high-roommate's friend]?!?!?!?!
high-roommate's friend:what?!!? wha- [brother]?!?!
me: WHAT THE HELL
high-roommate's friend: HOLY SHIT YOU SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF ME!
me: I - I SCARED YOU!?!?!?
high-roommate's friend:what?
me: you're in my room!
high-roommate's friend:obviously still sleeping what? (he walks out of my room and into the bathroom across the hall)
Now that THAT terror is over I think: HOLY SHIT DID HE PEE IN HERE?!?
luckily no.
The next day I see high-roommate and I say: "BAHAHAHA we need to talk"
high-roommate:" about what?"
me: "your friend slept walked into my room and scared the fuck out of me"
high-roommate: "HAHA oh man when he woke up he said "I had a dream about going into [brother's] room last night"
me: "well... that was real, and I have never been so afraid in my life"
(i then relayed all of the emotions I attempted to convey here.)
good... times!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Karaoke in A.J. Wright...
let you know about me... from brother
I should probably be on film because of the things that happen to me. It would not be boring and over-rated like teen-whores. It would be like an interesting version of reality shows. I am going to use this blog to tell some of the great things that happen to me.
The time I sang Karaoke at an A.J. Wright...
So I am at A.J. Wright to buy a hat box
For some reason I needed to buy a friend a hat box
it was imperative I swear. My best friend from college and I went searching high and low for a fucking hat box. Old Ladies are still around, why could I not find one... where do old people shop? They closed down all the Caldor's... A.J Wright it is...
So we scour the place and find a really bad hat box that was like snowman themed or some shit. The hatbox is merely the vehicle to this moment, not the highlight.
So OF COURSE, because we are in the ghetto ass town I grew up in, there is one employee working the store during Christmas-time. And I am third in line, sweet! ... right??? I mean there are only two people ahead of me... I am pumped...
then I see it...
customer #1 has 2 carts, full of clothes... two fucking carts...
SWEET JESUS.
but I have been that employee, so I will not lose my temper...
although this employee is taking her sweet time scanning everything...
THE TIME TO TALK IS LATER BITCH! GET SCANNING!!! (stay calm brother.... stay calm)
15+ minutes later... onto cart 2
I WILL EAT YOUR HEART!
finally the manager walks over and opens another lane (stay calm brother... stay calm)
Lady in front of me is only buying a crystal lamp (fake) and I am like "whew... she won't be too long"
she pulls out coins
SWEET MOTHER IN HEAVEN I WILL REAP YOUR SOUL SHE-DEVIL!!!!!
But I am trying to look calm... then it happens
Samantha Mumba's "Gotta tell you" comes on the loud speaker
so let's see, she female... and black... so obviously this song is my jam!
I am hugging my hat box, as if it were some type of baby (assuming one would ever want to touch such a disgusting creature) and breaking it DOWN to Ms. Mumba...
I close my eyes and get INTO-IT. God damn I am breaking that shit DOWN.
then I hear it...
MY voice...
on the loud speaker...
not Samantha Mumba... me...
I open my eyes...
Manager is holding the loud speaker up to me...
I turn to see my friend...literally on the floor laughing...
I turn and see the store... looking at me...
I am pretty sure an angel dies every time I sing... I think I just killed Jesus with my voice on a loudspeaker...
I paid for my hatbox and left
(turns out that swipe landed me in the database that was hacked in that T.J.X. scandal...)
greatest moment of my life... at the time... yes... better stories to follow...
I should probably be on film because of the things that happen to me. It would not be boring and over-rated like teen-whores. It would be like an interesting version of reality shows. I am going to use this blog to tell some of the great things that happen to me.
The time I sang Karaoke at an A.J. Wright...
So I am at A.J. Wright to buy a hat box
For some reason I needed to buy a friend a hat box
it was imperative I swear. My best friend from college and I went searching high and low for a fucking hat box. Old Ladies are still around, why could I not find one... where do old people shop? They closed down all the Caldor's... A.J Wright it is...
So we scour the place and find a really bad hat box that was like snowman themed or some shit. The hatbox is merely the vehicle to this moment, not the highlight.
So OF COURSE, because we are in the ghetto ass town I grew up in, there is one employee working the store during Christmas-time. And I am third in line, sweet! ... right??? I mean there are only two people ahead of me... I am pumped...
then I see it...
customer #1 has 2 carts, full of clothes... two fucking carts...
SWEET JESUS.
but I have been that employee, so I will not lose my temper...
although this employee is taking her sweet time scanning everything...
THE TIME TO TALK IS LATER BITCH! GET SCANNING!!! (stay calm brother.... stay calm)
15+ minutes later... onto cart 2
I WILL EAT YOUR HEART!
finally the manager walks over and opens another lane (stay calm brother... stay calm)
Lady in front of me is only buying a crystal lamp (fake) and I am like "whew... she won't be too long"
she pulls out coins
SWEET MOTHER IN HEAVEN I WILL REAP YOUR SOUL SHE-DEVIL!!!!!
But I am trying to look calm... then it happens
Samantha Mumba's "Gotta tell you" comes on the loud speaker
so let's see, she female... and black... so obviously this song is my jam!
I am hugging my hat box, as if it were some type of baby (assuming one would ever want to touch such a disgusting creature) and breaking it DOWN to Ms. Mumba...
I close my eyes and get INTO-IT. God damn I am breaking that shit DOWN.
then I hear it...
MY voice...
on the loud speaker...
not Samantha Mumba... me...
I open my eyes...
Manager is holding the loud speaker up to me...
I turn to see my friend...literally on the floor laughing...
I turn and see the store... looking at me...
I am pretty sure an angel dies every time I sing... I think I just killed Jesus with my voice on a loudspeaker...
I paid for my hatbox and left
(turns out that swipe landed me in the database that was hacked in that T.J.X. scandal...)
greatest moment of my life... at the time... yes... better stories to follow...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
this is where my head is
This is where my head is at today.... I am sitting looking through Facebook pictures... I know this girl who has 5 kids and I gather from her posts that one of her kids is autistic, so brother just walked in to the room while I was on facebook and he was like what are you doing? And my answer was literally "my friend has like 5 kids and one is autistic, I want to see which one it is"
Seriously?
I have worked TOO MANY long hours lately. Someone needs a nap.
love,
Sister
p.s. tomorrow, after my board presentation, you are getting STORIES
Seriously?
I have worked TOO MANY long hours lately. Someone needs a nap.
love,
Sister
p.s. tomorrow, after my board presentation, you are getting STORIES
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Proud to be an American...
Where I flush after I pee!!!!
(that's the lyrics right? who cares it's country. 90's R&B all day! heck yeahhhh)
So I saw Babel today and I must say that I am glad I was born in America. I mean yes we have retarded people called "tea-baggers*" and Sarah Palin but at least it isn't gross. (Well the South isn't always too nice but it is better than Morocco or Egypt.) [*I am aware that they are some variation of "tea-party" but that was already used in American history so they can fuck themselves. Maybe they can pick up a book to find shit out first, also they should know that people of color deserve rights.] But enough of my disappointment in America because this is a pro-American post. I have a toilet I get to flush when I feel like it and I get to shower everyday. I mean even in the Ireland you have to add a boost of hot water to get a nice hot shower, I thought they were civilized... In the movie there was dirt everywhere, I sweep multiple times a week just to avoid a little dirt on my floor, these people HAD dirt floors. Unacceptable.
Moral of the story: America isn't perfect but I cannot think of a better place. (Canada would be okay if it weren't so cold all the time there)
Also OBAMA-OBAMA-OBAMA-OBAMA
<3 him
-bro
(that's the lyrics right? who cares it's country. 90's R&B all day! heck yeahhhh)
So I saw Babel today and I must say that I am glad I was born in America. I mean yes we have retarded people called "tea-baggers*" and Sarah Palin but at least it isn't gross. (Well the South isn't always too nice but it is better than Morocco or Egypt.) [*I am aware that they are some variation of "tea-party" but that was already used in American history so they can fuck themselves. Maybe they can pick up a book to find shit out first, also they should know that people of color deserve rights.] But enough of my disappointment in America because this is a pro-American post. I have a toilet I get to flush when I feel like it and I get to shower everyday. I mean even in the Ireland you have to add a boost of hot water to get a nice hot shower, I thought they were civilized... In the movie there was dirt everywhere, I sweep multiple times a week just to avoid a little dirt on my floor, these people HAD dirt floors. Unacceptable.
Moral of the story: America isn't perfect but I cannot think of a better place. (Canada would be okay if it weren't so cold all the time there)
Also OBAMA-OBAMA-OBAMA-OBAMA
<3 him
-bro
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
diet coke and fat kids
After my brother's anti-fat woman blast, I have decided to write on one of my least favorite things about being a fatty
DIET COKE.
okay so I was just watching Family Guy and the quote was something to the effective of "like when fat women discovered diet coke" and then it switched to a fat woman who said "now I can eat anything I want" and you know what? Its totally true! Fat women love diet coke and always get it.
I, however, am not one of those fat girls. Because if I walk into Wendy's and get chicken nuggets and fries, I just want a regular coke. BUT EVERYONE ALWAYS GIVES ME DIET! I am like gee guy, if you are worried about my caloric intake, take away the fries. I used to get insulted like what are you trying to say? But then I realized i its cause all fat ladies except me do it.
So I say FAT GIRLS UNITE! Diet for real or shut up about it...
bitches....
DIET COKE.
okay so I was just watching Family Guy and the quote was something to the effective of "like when fat women discovered diet coke" and then it switched to a fat woman who said "now I can eat anything I want" and you know what? Its totally true! Fat women love diet coke and always get it.
I, however, am not one of those fat girls. Because if I walk into Wendy's and get chicken nuggets and fries, I just want a regular coke. BUT EVERYONE ALWAYS GIVES ME DIET! I am like gee guy, if you are worried about my caloric intake, take away the fries. I used to get insulted like what are you trying to say? But then I realized i its cause all fat ladies except me do it.
So I say FAT GIRLS UNITE! Diet for real or shut up about it...
bitches....
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Bitches should probably know
Why do ugly girls think they are attractive?
I though Hollywood was making us all feel ugly...
but there are these fat ugly bitches who somehow think they are attractive.
I blame Dove! just because Dove had pretty fatties on doesn't mean every fatty is pretty.
Plus you're not even fat, but I call you fat to make you feel bad about yourself.
A girl is only fat when she is a bitch
Recognize...
Story from today:
Dumb bitch in front of me stops and bends over. I almost plow into her because there was no reason for her to stop. I don't know what she thought but she rolled her eyes like I was checking her out. And then she did this "tisk" with her mouth fat.
So I said, "Oh heffer please, the only reason I gave you a second look was because you're missing your collar"
LOOOOOOOVE, Brother
I though Hollywood was making us all feel ugly...
but there are these fat ugly bitches who somehow think they are attractive.
I blame Dove! just because Dove had pretty fatties on doesn't mean every fatty is pretty.
Plus you're not even fat, but I call you fat to make you feel bad about yourself.
A girl is only fat when she is a bitch
Recognize...
Story from today:
Dumb bitch in front of me stops and bends over. I almost plow into her because there was no reason for her to stop. I don't know what she thought but she rolled her eyes like I was checking her out. And then she did this "tisk" with her mouth fat.
So I said, "Oh heffer please, the only reason I gave you a second look was because you're missing your collar"
LOOOOOOOVE, Brother
Monday, February 7, 2011
abusing little brothers
As you know from earlier posts, brother and I have a littlest brother. As he is 16 and all angsty teenager rocker dude, he sometimes likes to express his emotions through facebook, like everyone else in the world.
So since I think I am hilarious, I like to comment on his posts in the manner that most fits… teasing. And I wonder why he hates me, haha!
The following are our 2 most classic posts.
Post 1: June 16, 2010
Littlest brother: thinking
Comments (in order):
Me: about running away and living off the land?
Me: about becoming a lion tamer
Me: about meeting Dakota Fanning and falling head over heels in love and eloping (she’s your age right?)
Me: about how you can’t wait to watch the entire twilight series in succession?
Me: about switching from guitar to the clarinet, because that is really where your heart is?
Me: about the fact that you have secretly become a fan of country music, much to the shame of your older siblings?
Me: ohhh better about marrying selena gomez, I want her in our family make it happen!
Me: about kicking rabbits? You shouldn’t do that, a guy down here got arrested for killing 8 rabbits
Me: about coming up with a new priest and a rabbi joke?
Me: about Lindsey lohan, because she was so much better during mean girls time?
Me: about how you disagree when they chant ugly sister for khloe kardashian, cause you like a handsome woman?
Me: about how its had getting confused with zack and cody all the time?
Me: about how you always wanted a chia pet and never got one?
Me: about how formspring sounds weird as a name? like why not questionme or something… formspring sounds like a mattress
Okay I am still at work and its super late, so I will type the other one some other day. Hope you enjoyed.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
tequila
from sister
If you know us at all, you know we have a love of Tequila, which prompted many margarita nights at the joe4oil household. We have tried to recreate them since, but have had no luck. Margarita nights, it turns out, cannot be planned ahead- other wise you might be sitting outside of your place of work with your margarita in a coffee to go cup, feeling a little forced.
A few funny things happened on Margarita nights that I thought I would share.
First, and this folks is embarrassing. There was this little mexican restaurant near where we used to live before joe4oil... you know in the house where we were abandoned? It was the closest one I knew of to the joe4oil house so sometimes (like maybe 5 times in a year) I would go there. My very first time, seriously a good 2 years ago, I went in and asked if they had margaritas. They said no, whatever I ordered a coke.
Last March, I literally walked into the place and they guy was like hey! we have tequila now! We can make you your margaritas! Come dine in next time.
He seriously remembered that? Sweet Jesus I think I may be an alcoholic.
My favorite Margarita night, though, was spawn at one of our famous "in poor taste" parties. I will dedicate a whole blog to them, as the next one is coming up soon, but lets just give you a background.
The second in poor taste party happened in February, and it was themed "white kids throw a black history month party" so obviously, I went to iparty to get supplies... like a giant portrait of MLK, and an Obama window cling. Then, theme or no theme, something caught my eye. In the passover section there were these things called "plague masks" and like one was yellow and had big black bugs on it and it said "lice" one was green and had frog theme, pink one with red boils, you get the idea. How could I not buy those? They were the MOST fucked up child's lesson I ever saw.
So amazingly, no one took them, so they stayed in the log cabin of a house. One night, during a margarita night, brother and I were doing the usual and having a dance party. What is it weird to have Britney Spears dance parties in your living room as an adult with your brother? and we decided the masks had to come out. There is currently a photo album on my phone dedicated to that night.... but once the dance party resigned, brother ended up having a puppet show with finger puppet jesus on the floor.
I am going to have to stock up on tequila and the margarita requirements... this newest apartment is badly in need of a margarita night. Maybe that will be my present to myself when I get my taxes back.
If you know us at all, you know we have a love of Tequila, which prompted many margarita nights at the joe4oil household. We have tried to recreate them since, but have had no luck. Margarita nights, it turns out, cannot be planned ahead- other wise you might be sitting outside of your place of work with your margarita in a coffee to go cup, feeling a little forced.
A few funny things happened on Margarita nights that I thought I would share.
First, and this folks is embarrassing. There was this little mexican restaurant near where we used to live before joe4oil... you know in the house where we were abandoned? It was the closest one I knew of to the joe4oil house so sometimes (like maybe 5 times in a year) I would go there. My very first time, seriously a good 2 years ago, I went in and asked if they had margaritas. They said no, whatever I ordered a coke.
Last March, I literally walked into the place and they guy was like hey! we have tequila now! We can make you your margaritas! Come dine in next time.
He seriously remembered that? Sweet Jesus I think I may be an alcoholic.
My favorite Margarita night, though, was spawn at one of our famous "in poor taste" parties. I will dedicate a whole blog to them, as the next one is coming up soon, but lets just give you a background.
The second in poor taste party happened in February, and it was themed "white kids throw a black history month party" so obviously, I went to iparty to get supplies... like a giant portrait of MLK, and an Obama window cling. Then, theme or no theme, something caught my eye. In the passover section there were these things called "plague masks" and like one was yellow and had big black bugs on it and it said "lice" one was green and had frog theme, pink one with red boils, you get the idea. How could I not buy those? They were the MOST fucked up child's lesson I ever saw.
So amazingly, no one took them, so they stayed in the log cabin of a house. One night, during a margarita night, brother and I were doing the usual and having a dance party. What is it weird to have Britney Spears dance parties in your living room as an adult with your brother? and we decided the masks had to come out. There is currently a photo album on my phone dedicated to that night.... but once the dance party resigned, brother ended up having a puppet show with finger puppet jesus on the floor.
I am going to have to stock up on tequila and the margarita requirements... this newest apartment is badly in need of a margarita night. Maybe that will be my present to myself when I get my taxes back.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
That time I got spider powers
I mentioned before in my introduction to apartment JoeOil we kind of had a lot of bugs. Not in a gross way because after a little bit we got rid of them all and didn’t need an exterminator, it was just an uninhabited place for so long.
One such bug incident will be forever engrained in my head: the spider that gave me superpowers.
It was an average Friday night, I had class the next morning so I stayed in and watched some TV, did a little bit of cleaning… really just asserting my manliness. I go to throw a paper plate in the trash and notice that there is a large piece of fuzz on the ground. Sister is a shedding beast so I assume it’s a clump of her hair and shit
One such bug incident will be forever engrained in my head: the spider that gave me superpowers.
It was an average Friday night, I had class the next morning so I stayed in and watched some TV, did a little bit of cleaning… really just asserting my manliness. I go to throw a paper plate in the trash and notice that there is a large piece of fuzz on the ground. Sister is a shedding beast so I assume it’s a clump of her hair and shit
I reach down
It backs up
Then I see it has legs
Holy shit that is the biggest spider I have ever seen in my entire life! Well spiders in museums and the like are big, but this spider was about the circumference of the IPOD wheel. (You know - that control circle with menu and play.) And that was just the butt of the spider.
So naturally, I vag out. I lose all evidence of man and I grab High-roommate who is the resident bug killer. She is both drunk and high now and bounds out of her room with high friends. They all focus to see what I am freaking out about. Upon seeing the spider High-roommate yells: “FUCK THAT!” and runs back into her room, along with her friends.
They slam the door, then open it enough for their heads to appear, totem polled.
So I get my big Tim’s and head toward the spider. I have seen Arachnophobia, and I cannot let this spider live. It could be some venomous thing; I could be saving lives right now.
So with one boot in each hand I swing my left arm and make direct contact. I know I made contact, High-witnesses saw me make contact, but when I lift my boot it shoots its web at me.
Yes I just hit this fucking beast with a shoe and it shot a web at me.
I turn into a 5-year-old girl
I yell and start wailing on that GIANT ARACHNID as it climbs closer to my body.
After about 6-8 full contact smashes it falls off the line it has on my face
My face, money shot by the spider.
So I continue to wail on it. I am not taking any fucking chances.
After repeated hits the spider is finally down.
I spray it with some Fantastic to make sure that this is dead, and use about a pound of paper-towel to pick it up. I take out the trash. Climb back onto the couch.
It was the scariest moment of my life.
The next day I became a lame photographer for some newspaper even though no one reads them anymore. I only take pictures of Spiderman, and am the only person who can get a picture of the hero. I wonder why.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
leftys rule
As a lefty I face more obstacles than many in wheelchairs. I mean they get ramps and shit automatically but I don't get shit. So I often move mouses to my preferred side of the computer and generally like to switch most things left handed so other people feel my burden.
A thought I just had:
You know how Nuns and religious people tried to say left handed people were the devil?
Yeah well nuns don't exist anymore (or in 10 years they won't) and how's your religion doing?
NATURAL SELECTION!
Scoreboard:
Lefty's: 1
Nuns: dead
A thought I just had:
You know how Nuns and religious people tried to say left handed people were the devil?
Yeah well nuns don't exist anymore (or in 10 years they won't) and how's your religion doing?
NATURAL SELECTION!
Scoreboard:
Lefty's: 1
Nuns: dead
hot messes gallore
from Sister-
Okay so one thing you should know about me is that I LOVE people who are a hot mess. I have no shame in staring (which can lead to issues, i.e. the autistic midget story), and my bro and I are pretty much perfect so we can say whatever we want about people
So originally, I was going to write about Joe Oil stories after reading brother's last contribution, and I was looking up some quality tweets of past, where it seems like a lot of my blog entries will come from. Well, my attention was diverted. Tonight, I will share with you some of the funnier observations my brother and I (and a few friends) made while out, then put them on twitter
Tweet: quote of the night (paraphrasing here) "can you make me your facebook friend so i can masturbate"
I don't think I entirely have to explain that one... all you should know is that this was ACTUALLY said to one of my besties
Tweet: Ok I am not trying to be a dick but this american idol chick... Saying she wants to get on for her grandma with Alzheimer's HELLO???
Tweet: Just watched an extremely obese woman speak sternly to her kids because they were wasting their food... Ummmm
Okay here is my thing... and I am a fat girl myself, but really?
Tweet: The airline rep really just said we would like to invite those of you STRUGGLING WITH CHILDREN under 5 hahahah
Okay so I hate kids a LOT so this was good... plus it was on southwest, so the kids sit then when you get to pick your own seats you don't have to sit near them.
Tweet: 2 fav quotes of the night- "that black girl is so white she's a DOUBLE stuffed oreo"
corresponding tweet: "Her tits were super saggy like they have low self esteem"
My favorite coworker said these things... I am sure you will hear PLENTY from her in this blog!
Tweet: "I feel like people lie to her" (brother)"why" me: "Cause they say she has a beautiful baby"
Tweet: why is there a plus sized olive oyl costume? that makes zero sense!
AND POSSIBLY my favorite tweet of all times... now this isn't funny necessarily at first so I want to set the tone-
I was lost in Harvard Square in Cambridge... I was supposed to be meeting a date but he was aggravatingly indecisive, and I didn't really want to go in the first place, and he kept moving around to different places in Harvard Square so I was basically circling. I hit another red light and I see this guy who looked mad arrogant and even though I didn't know him, I decided that I hated him and his stupid suit right away.
Tweet: Was in a bad mood then I saw a guy on a bike crash into a man on the street and they both fell. Fantastic.
Obviously the standing man was the guy I already decided I hated. It was like Jesus was telling me that I was not alone, and that he was there to make me laugh. The guy on the bike hit suit guy and then like flipped off his bike.... (they both stood up so they didn't die) pure magic, I swear it was meant for me. Thanks Jesus!
Okay so one thing you should know about me is that I LOVE people who are a hot mess. I have no shame in staring (which can lead to issues, i.e. the autistic midget story), and my bro and I are pretty much perfect so we can say whatever we want about people
So originally, I was going to write about Joe Oil stories after reading brother's last contribution, and I was looking up some quality tweets of past, where it seems like a lot of my blog entries will come from. Well, my attention was diverted. Tonight, I will share with you some of the funnier observations my brother and I (and a few friends) made while out, then put them on twitter
Tweet: quote of the night (paraphrasing here) "can you make me your facebook friend so i can masturbate"
I don't think I entirely have to explain that one... all you should know is that this was ACTUALLY said to one of my besties
Tweet: Ok I am not trying to be a dick but this american idol chick... Saying she wants to get on for her grandma with Alzheimer's HELLO???
Tweet: Just watched an extremely obese woman speak sternly to her kids because they were wasting their food... Ummmm
Okay here is my thing... and I am a fat girl myself, but really?
Tweet: The airline rep really just said we would like to invite those of you STRUGGLING WITH CHILDREN under 5 hahahah
Okay so I hate kids a LOT so this was good... plus it was on southwest, so the kids sit then when you get to pick your own seats you don't have to sit near them.
Tweet: 2 fav quotes of the night- "that black girl is so white she's a DOUBLE stuffed oreo"
corresponding tweet: "Her tits were super saggy like they have low self esteem"
My favorite coworker said these things... I am sure you will hear PLENTY from her in this blog!
Tweet: "I feel like people lie to her" (brother)"why" me: "Cause they say she has a beautiful baby"
Tweet: why is there a plus sized olive oyl costume? that makes zero sense!
AND POSSIBLY my favorite tweet of all times... now this isn't funny necessarily at first so I want to set the tone-
I was lost in Harvard Square in Cambridge... I was supposed to be meeting a date but he was aggravatingly indecisive, and I didn't really want to go in the first place, and he kept moving around to different places in Harvard Square so I was basically circling. I hit another red light and I see this guy who looked mad arrogant and even though I didn't know him, I decided that I hated him and his stupid suit right away.
Tweet: Was in a bad mood then I saw a guy on a bike crash into a man on the street and they both fell. Fantastic.
Obviously the standing man was the guy I already decided I hated. It was like Jesus was telling me that I was not alone, and that he was there to make me laugh. The guy on the bike hit suit guy and then like flipped off his bike.... (they both stood up so they didn't die) pure magic, I swear it was meant for me. Thanks Jesus!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Call Joe 4 Oil... we might die here.
Wow sis is going to town on this blog. We started a wall of post-it notes full of past stories to tell for this new blog. But I thought we should probably get into how this wacky brother and sister duo happened.
In the beginning: I had moved home to save money because I was broke. I was in my junior year of college and hated everything about that school so I moved off campus, then back home. A few months later, sis follows suit and moved home. Her move in day was traumatic. Not only did we have to lift boxes and junk, but while carrying in some boxes Pops met us outside and said, “Hey I just got a job in practically Canada” To which sis responded, “I am NOT unpacking!” I still had a year of school left and sis had recently accepted a new job so we needed to find a home and fast. Turns out Pops’ company was paying for the move and helping them sell the house as fast as possible. Awesome.
Enter the third roommate.
Due to some shenanigans, we two orphans (sis and I) adopted a delightful roommate who we will call “High-roommate” She was a very productive pothead and was probably more productive when high.
So we needed to find a three-bedroom apartment that allowed smoking (High-roommate also smoked cigarettes at the time we moved in together, she was very good about keeping the smell just in her room and who doesn’t like a little bit of second hand smoke? It’s like smoking without the guilt!)
Due to some shenanigans, we two orphans (sis and I) adopted a delightful roommate who we will call “High-roommate” She was a very productive pothead and was probably more productive when high.
So we needed to find a three-bedroom apartment that allowed smoking (High-roommate also smoked cigarettes at the time we moved in together, she was very good about keeping the smell just in her room and who doesn’t like a little bit of second hand smoke? It’s like smoking without the guilt!)
Enter “JoeOil” We referred to this apartment as its address but JoeOil is a better name because in the winter it was colder than an ice dancer’s vagina. (Sis will have some quality freezing stories at a later date.) Now the kitchen of this place was bomb. It was so nice, good appliances and a good size; the rest of the apartment, well that was a mess. High-roommate got the middle room because sis and I did not want to have bedrooms next to each other. That was really the only good bedroom. My bedroom was about the size of a closet. Sis’s room felt like it was outside. The living room was just a log cabin they attached to the wall with railroad spikes. Oh and we were the first people to live in it for years. Which meant bugs got used to living in there. It was not in some squalor like state, it was just ruled by bugs (until I started killing bugs – also a story for later.) Our landlord was awesome. We have some hysterical stories to share from apartment JoeOil. Including 3rd floor creepers, 2nd floor elephants and new 3rd floor tenant, who was afraid of other humans.
It was through the abandonment of our parents that we grew closer as siblings. It was through almost freezing together that we found humor. And it was through a love of Patron that we grew as people.
It was through the abandonment of our parents that we grew closer as siblings. It was through almost freezing together that we found humor. And it was through a love of Patron that we grew as people.
poo on him!
As siblings who live together outside of our parents, our social lives mingle quite a bit... and though we each have our own unconnected social groups, once someone has been around for long enough they become friends with both of us. This mostly happens with my friends, who either take on brother as their own little brother, their own personal genius, or they try to sexually assault him (unfortunately, the latter happens quiet a bit, which means that there are several people no longer allowed in my house).
One such friend who has intermingled in our lives and is NOT ban for grabbing bros manbits is Sylvia, the Slovakian beauty queen who I befriended after tutoring her in English. Sylvia is quite famous in Eastern Europe for her ventriloquist act with "mumbles" the puppet (well that is the English name I gave him). Sylvia was painstakingly in love with a basketball player named Floyd (slovakian women are HUGE! They need to date giant men!), however, Slyvia is a foolish girl and at the point of this story was allowing him to bone her without commitment, and was tricking herself into thinking that she was just "doing her thing" and didn't care. Lies. But thats not the point of this story.
One day the brother and I were sitting in the old apartment living room and the house phone rang. Often, we have lazy offs to see who will give up and answer... today for some reason brother just got up and answered the phone, which was in my bedroom. All I hear is "hi.... ummm, maybe this is a sister conversation" and he hands me the phone, goes back in my room and all I hear is the high pitch stifling of intense laughter. This is the conversation that follows:
Me: Hello?
Sylvia: hysterical sobbing
Me: Whats wrong?
Sylvia: I pooped on him!
Me: What? Who?
Sylvia: Floyd!
Me: and your first idea was to call my brother?
Sylvia: SHut up what do I do?
Me: probably shower
Sylvia: He is in the shower!
Me: How does this even happen? Like did you know you were about to poop? What happened?
Sylvia: I don't know we switched positions and he like smeared it... I didn't even feel it
Me: getting poo in your vagina is really bad for you.. you HAVE to get in the shower. Call me later
Sylvia: Okay you guys CANNOT make fun of me for this
I hang up the phone and brother is standing in the door way and we both, in the most literal sense burst into tears of laughter and fall on our respective floor spaces.
Think of all the jokes that could happen (this is explicit, folks, don't mind the language)
He literally fucked the shit out of her!
Cleveland steamer jokes for days
The possibilities are endless!
Sylvia was even more nuts cause she also told her MOM and GRANDMA about this! Slovakians are so nuts!
Now, if you know me you know I don't know anyone who is Slovakian or anyone named Sylvia
Names and back stories of the poo-er and poo-ee have been changed, but I assure you this story, particularly my phone conversation, is real.
One such friend who has intermingled in our lives and is NOT ban for grabbing bros manbits is Sylvia, the Slovakian beauty queen who I befriended after tutoring her in English. Sylvia is quite famous in Eastern Europe for her ventriloquist act with "mumbles" the puppet (well that is the English name I gave him). Sylvia was painstakingly in love with a basketball player named Floyd (slovakian women are HUGE! They need to date giant men!), however, Slyvia is a foolish girl and at the point of this story was allowing him to bone her without commitment, and was tricking herself into thinking that she was just "doing her thing" and didn't care. Lies. But thats not the point of this story.
One day the brother and I were sitting in the old apartment living room and the house phone rang. Often, we have lazy offs to see who will give up and answer... today for some reason brother just got up and answered the phone, which was in my bedroom. All I hear is "hi.... ummm, maybe this is a sister conversation" and he hands me the phone, goes back in my room and all I hear is the high pitch stifling of intense laughter. This is the conversation that follows:
Me: Hello?
Sylvia: hysterical sobbing
Me: Whats wrong?
Sylvia: I pooped on him!
Me: What? Who?
Sylvia: Floyd!
Me: and your first idea was to call my brother?
Sylvia: SHut up what do I do?
Me: probably shower
Sylvia: He is in the shower!
Me: How does this even happen? Like did you know you were about to poop? What happened?
Sylvia: I don't know we switched positions and he like smeared it... I didn't even feel it
Me: getting poo in your vagina is really bad for you.. you HAVE to get in the shower. Call me later
Sylvia: Okay you guys CANNOT make fun of me for this
I hang up the phone and brother is standing in the door way and we both, in the most literal sense burst into tears of laughter and fall on our respective floor spaces.
Think of all the jokes that could happen (this is explicit, folks, don't mind the language)
He literally fucked the shit out of her!
Cleveland steamer jokes for days
The possibilities are endless!
Sylvia was even more nuts cause she also told her MOM and GRANDMA about this! Slovakians are so nuts!
Now, if you know me you know I don't know anyone who is Slovakian or anyone named Sylvia
Names and back stories of the poo-er and poo-ee have been changed, but I assure you this story, particularly my phone conversation, is real.
the initiation of D'Wayne
I am writing this post and would first like to say that brother just literally said "Sometimes when I am in bed I think about David Hasslehoff"
This was, of course, in reference to how he posed himself on his bed while I was typing at his computer. He thought he was sitting to seductively to be near his sister.
Disturbing, worth sharing, but not what this blog is about!
Now that you have read about D'Wayne's creation, lets talk about how we officially welcomed him into the family.
SO the family decided we were not going to do Christmas presents big this year. I was kinda bummed as I am a selfish person. But Jesus said "NO! This is not possible, it is my birthday you must celebrate! I will give you a present... D'Wayne in the flesh."
Othersister started dating D'Wayne in the beginning of November, and she lives with him down south. She decided that he would come up and meet the family on Christmas. Are you getting this readers? Together a month and a half, traveling 18 hrs to meet family? GOLLY. Did we mention racist tendencies of the parentals? Sounds like an EXCELLENT idea. (thanks again Jesus!)
So in preparation of the visit of D'Wayne, since he and othersister would be staying at our house, brother started using his library skills to investigate this D'Wayne, rap superstar producer cat. And what he found was the greatest, most epic freestyle I have ever heard in my life. This freestyle was on youtube and had 90ish hits... so first things first, we made a pledge four days before he got here to double the amount of hits on this song that had been online for several years. We started by sending it to everyone we knew, and loading it on our individual computers as well as our work computers every day. We were gonna make this kid famous.
Then, on the day of their arrival, we were painfully short of our goal. I think we were only up to 104. Our friends... well lets just say so called friends... were NOT doing our bidding. Then, Jesus interupted again and was like "get it together!" So even though othersister and her beau were supposed to be home at like 6 they didn't come until like midnight- and in those 6 hrs we completed true greatness.
Step one: We live on a college campus and I happen to have access to keys for pretty much every room. So we broke into 4 different computer labs and played the freestyle video on every single computer. By the second lab, we were creating rounds of this freestyle. Here is an example:
After this fantasticness, we decided that was not enough... so we got a bunch of crayons and copy paper and decided to do a line by line, literal translation of the song- like a storyboard- and taped it up to the wall from the entrance to the bathroom (we figured that would be their first stop). By literal I mean LITERAL. one line was "only I can stop the beef" so I drew a picture of a crossing guard stopping a cow. One line was referring to smoking water and brother drew a picture of a guy trying to light an Evian bottle.
It was fantastic.
I seriously did not know that either of us were that artistically talented.
I will make othersister scan the pictures so I can show you all.
So they come in and we put on the music and make them watch frame by frame. It was most certainly the funniest reaction ever. Totally worth the 6 hrs of work that it entailed.
Thats how we welcome people to our family. Hope you didn't do anything embarrassing online future littlestbrother's wife.
This was, of course, in reference to how he posed himself on his bed while I was typing at his computer. He thought he was sitting to seductively to be near his sister.
Disturbing, worth sharing, but not what this blog is about!
Now that you have read about D'Wayne's creation, lets talk about how we officially welcomed him into the family.
SO the family decided we were not going to do Christmas presents big this year. I was kinda bummed as I am a selfish person. But Jesus said "NO! This is not possible, it is my birthday you must celebrate! I will give you a present... D'Wayne in the flesh."
Othersister started dating D'Wayne in the beginning of November, and she lives with him down south. She decided that he would come up and meet the family on Christmas. Are you getting this readers? Together a month and a half, traveling 18 hrs to meet family? GOLLY. Did we mention racist tendencies of the parentals? Sounds like an EXCELLENT idea. (thanks again Jesus!)
So in preparation of the visit of D'Wayne, since he and othersister would be staying at our house, brother started using his library skills to investigate this D'Wayne, rap superstar producer cat. And what he found was the greatest, most epic freestyle I have ever heard in my life. This freestyle was on youtube and had 90ish hits... so first things first, we made a pledge four days before he got here to double the amount of hits on this song that had been online for several years. We started by sending it to everyone we knew, and loading it on our individual computers as well as our work computers every day. We were gonna make this kid famous.
Then, on the day of their arrival, we were painfully short of our goal. I think we were only up to 104. Our friends... well lets just say so called friends... were NOT doing our bidding. Then, Jesus interupted again and was like "get it together!" So even though othersister and her beau were supposed to be home at like 6 they didn't come until like midnight- and in those 6 hrs we completed true greatness.
Step one: We live on a college campus and I happen to have access to keys for pretty much every room. So we broke into 4 different computer labs and played the freestyle video on every single computer. By the second lab, we were creating rounds of this freestyle. Here is an example:
After this fantasticness, we decided that was not enough... so we got a bunch of crayons and copy paper and decided to do a line by line, literal translation of the song- like a storyboard- and taped it up to the wall from the entrance to the bathroom (we figured that would be their first stop). By literal I mean LITERAL. one line was "only I can stop the beef" so I drew a picture of a crossing guard stopping a cow. One line was referring to smoking water and brother drew a picture of a guy trying to light an Evian bottle.
It was fantastic.
I seriously did not know that either of us were that artistically talented.
I will make othersister scan the pictures so I can show you all.
So they come in and we put on the music and make them watch frame by frame. It was most certainly the funniest reaction ever. Totally worth the 6 hrs of work that it entailed.
Thats how we welcome people to our family. Hope you didn't do anything embarrassing online future littlestbrother's wife.
The story of the origin of D'Wayne
This one is from the sister perspective
So the story of D'wayne is recent, but I think it will give our readers a pretty accurate insight to our inner workings as the evil siblings.
In November, our other sister (there is one other sister and one other little brother) got a boyfriend for the first time in, well, ever. He is black, he is a tattoo artist and a "producer" which instantly set us into a hysterical fit of giggles cause, come on, how are you really a producer dude?
Anywho... one time brother and I were walking down the hall and brother goes "whats othersister's boyfriends name again?" to which I answered "I don't know... D'Wayne?... I think its spelled like that D.. apostrophe...W...A...Y...N...E" he asked why and I said that I didn't know- but I pictured a punk rock black kid and the name seemed fitting. Once that was in my head, our evil plan assembled.
Now we do have to back up a minute so you, our wonderful readers, understand something serious... and that is, no matter how hard she tries, mom's kinda a racist. She is trying to get better, but if we are airing out fam laundry, this is a very significant part of the story. I once dated a guy with a spanish sounding name who was also black, and mom changed it to the white version when she told the extended family about it. Lets just say if his name was Pablo, she would call him Pete, if his name was Jose, he would be Joey. Getting the picture? She didn't want anyone to question his ethnicity, cause if we broke up, why cause a fuss? Now, the funny thing about this, is that this led to our entire fam outing themselves, cause well lets face it, our female cousin was dating a girl, but at least the girl was white ;) lol ahh racism.
So knowing what we knew from that fateful event eight years ago, we set the plan in action. Othersister started dating D'Wayne (whose name is just really a plain old white kid name- lets call him John for anonymity) in the beginning of November, but they were SERIOUSLY in love like four seconds into it. Thanksgiving seemed like a perfect time to play a little joke on racist mom. I told both brother and littlestbrother the plan ahead of time. At one point, my mom and I were near the fridge (I can't remember why the fridge was open but it was) and mom was talking about othersister and John. I got real serious and put my hand on mom's shoulder and said "Listen mom, I gotta tell you something. Okay so you remember how you told everyone Pablo's name was Pete? Yeah, well that is why othersister told you his name was John... its really D'Wayne.. DapostropheWAYNE" Mom got all sad face and contemplative and said "why would she tell me his name was John... that was so long ago, I am not the same..." and then she got this HUGE smile and was like "I KNEW IT!" She was so excited cause how could a southern black boy with tattoos who thinks he is a rapper be named John? It was bananas! Dad got home and she was like "you know how I knew his name wasn't John? its DWAYNE! DapostropheWAYNE"
Man I was CRYING laughing inside... the best part was the recognition of the apostrophe.
So later that night, othersister calls to wish the parents happy thanksgiving. Brother and I had already left, but littlest brother told me the story of the conversation. It went something like this:
Othersister: Happy Thanksgiving!
Mom: Why didn't you tell me his name was D'Wayne
Othersister: um cause its John
Mom: NO its D'Wayne... sister told me... D..apostrophe...W...A...Y...N..E
Othersister: NO ITS JOHN
Minutes later I receive a text from othersister that said something to the effect of "why does mom think his name is D'Wayne douche?"
Ahh family love.
Wanna hear the best part? D'wayne is the name of John's daughter's stepdad. Its like me and brother are psychics and geniuses.
And now that we know him, we like "John" but he will always be D'Wayne in our hearts...
So the story of D'wayne is recent, but I think it will give our readers a pretty accurate insight to our inner workings as the evil siblings.
In November, our other sister (there is one other sister and one other little brother) got a boyfriend for the first time in, well, ever. He is black, he is a tattoo artist and a "producer" which instantly set us into a hysterical fit of giggles cause, come on, how are you really a producer dude?
Anywho... one time brother and I were walking down the hall and brother goes "whats othersister's boyfriends name again?" to which I answered "I don't know... D'Wayne?... I think its spelled like that D.. apostrophe...W...A...Y...N...E" he asked why and I said that I didn't know- but I pictured a punk rock black kid and the name seemed fitting. Once that was in my head, our evil plan assembled.
Now we do have to back up a minute so you, our wonderful readers, understand something serious... and that is, no matter how hard she tries, mom's kinda a racist. She is trying to get better, but if we are airing out fam laundry, this is a very significant part of the story. I once dated a guy with a spanish sounding name who was also black, and mom changed it to the white version when she told the extended family about it. Lets just say if his name was Pablo, she would call him Pete, if his name was Jose, he would be Joey. Getting the picture? She didn't want anyone to question his ethnicity, cause if we broke up, why cause a fuss? Now, the funny thing about this, is that this led to our entire fam outing themselves, cause well lets face it, our female cousin was dating a girl, but at least the girl was white ;) lol ahh racism.
So knowing what we knew from that fateful event eight years ago, we set the plan in action. Othersister started dating D'Wayne (whose name is just really a plain old white kid name- lets call him John for anonymity) in the beginning of November, but they were SERIOUSLY in love like four seconds into it. Thanksgiving seemed like a perfect time to play a little joke on racist mom. I told both brother and littlestbrother the plan ahead of time. At one point, my mom and I were near the fridge (I can't remember why the fridge was open but it was) and mom was talking about othersister and John. I got real serious and put my hand on mom's shoulder and said "Listen mom, I gotta tell you something. Okay so you remember how you told everyone Pablo's name was Pete? Yeah, well that is why othersister told you his name was John... its really D'Wayne.. DapostropheWAYNE" Mom got all sad face and contemplative and said "why would she tell me his name was John... that was so long ago, I am not the same..." and then she got this HUGE smile and was like "I KNEW IT!" She was so excited cause how could a southern black boy with tattoos who thinks he is a rapper be named John? It was bananas! Dad got home and she was like "you know how I knew his name wasn't John? its DWAYNE! DapostropheWAYNE"
Man I was CRYING laughing inside... the best part was the recognition of the apostrophe.
So later that night, othersister calls to wish the parents happy thanksgiving. Brother and I had already left, but littlest brother told me the story of the conversation. It went something like this:
Othersister: Happy Thanksgiving!
Mom: Why didn't you tell me his name was D'Wayne
Othersister: um cause its John
Mom: NO its D'Wayne... sister told me... D..apostrophe...W...A...Y...N..E
Othersister: NO ITS JOHN
Minutes later I receive a text from othersister that said something to the effect of "why does mom think his name is D'Wayne douche?"
Ahh family love.
Wanna hear the best part? D'wayne is the name of John's daughter's stepdad. Its like me and brother are psychics and geniuses.
And now that we know him, we like "John" but he will always be D'Wayne in our hearts...
Why I have a Twitter
We used to have Mexican nights, once a week. I called them "Taco Wednesdays" but had no real reason because they were not always on Wednesdays and were not always tacos. But I liked the name a stuck with it. If it were fitting, we would also drink some Margaritas on "Taco Wednesdays" because we are just plain classy. One such night we split a bottle of Patron. After half a bottle of Patron was decided it was time to get to know the neighborhood better so we went for a walk. It was midnight, it had rained, but I suppose it was a good idea. After getting lost and drunk dialing some people we got back to the house and my sister decided I should have a twitter. She made me a twitter and it went untouched for months. Then one day she said something so funny that I needed to share it with the world. The twitter god dropped a beautiful white poop on the shoulder and said "You should tweet that slut" and I did.
I share this story so I can share with you my favorite tweets:
12/28/10 - [sis]"Gingers often look like other mystical creatures"
12/04/10 - [sis]: "I can't wear this I'll have sweaty t*ts" me: "WHAT DID YOU SAY!" [sis]: "I'll sweat in this" me: "ohhh..."
09/04/10 - Me: "Ketchup is the Britney Spears of tomato products" [sis]: "whole tomatoes are the Lady gaga"
08/30/10 - "You're a GENTLEMAN if you pay for sex!"
06/06/10 - getting male friend advice from my big sis lol
05/25/10 - old man at shaws: the good thing about this year is you don't need to buy tanning oil, take a dip in the ocean and you're oiled up
04/02/10 - listen autism... today is jesus' day back ya puzzle off
03/11/10 - today some guys came into tsa wearing camo talking about fights and all i thought was "i got my fighting nails on...NEVER FORGET"
11/17/09 - Drank gallons of water today then cracked open some beers, which means while you read this tweet Imma be urinating...
10/25/09
#prettypeoplereform calling congress for pretty people in commercials! down w the uglies! YES WE CAN #prettypeoplereform #prettypeoplereform
10/14/09 - "I might be the girl who turns into a blueberry for Halloween"
08/29/09 - I told [sister] my plan to memorialize her after she dies with a sweet decal on my window and she told me she's gunna stab me before she dies
I share this story so I can share with you my favorite tweets:
12/28/10 - [sis]"Gingers often look like other mystical creatures"
12/04/10 - [sis]: "I can't wear this I'll have sweaty t*ts" me: "WHAT DID YOU SAY!" [sis]: "I'll sweat in this" me: "ohhh..."
09/04/10 - Me: "Ketchup is the Britney Spears of tomato products" [sis]: "whole tomatoes are the Lady gaga"
08/30/10 - "You're a GENTLEMAN if you pay for sex!"
06/06/10 - getting male friend advice from my big sis lol
05/25/10 - old man at shaws: the good thing about this year is you don't need to buy tanning oil, take a dip in the ocean and you're oiled up
04/02/10 - listen autism... today is jesus' day back ya puzzle off
03/11/10 - today some guys came into tsa wearing camo talking about fights and all i thought was "i got my fighting nails on...NEVER FORGET"
11/17/09 - Drank gallons of water today then cracked open some beers, which means while you read this tweet Imma be urinating...
10/25/09
#prettypeoplereform calling congress for pretty people in commercials! down w the uglies! YES WE CAN #prettypeoplereform #prettypeoplereform
10/14/09 - "I might be the girl who turns into a blueberry for Halloween"
08/29/09 - I told [sister] my plan to memorialize her after she dies with a sweet decal on my window and she told me she's gunna stab me before she dies
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