I don't know how well brother's true blood plan will go- we also live in a very WHITE town, and white people generally aren't into me.
Case and point: my rendezvous with a football team
One of my favorite people plays on a national women's football team. On Saturday, me and my lovely BBL (black boy lover) went to her game. It was fun, but LONG- I am not a football girl. They won 70-8, it was bananas. Football should definitely have a slaughter rule.
Anyways, as you probably guess, the football player is a lesbian. One of the things BBL and I did to pass the time during the game is we went through the brochure to pick out who we thought was straight or gay. Turns out we WAY overestimated the straightness of the team, because when the game finished and we say the football player, she went through the book and told us who was ACTUALLY gay and straight. Four. Out of 48. 4 of 48 were straight... this after party was going to be interesting. But we were gonna go, cause there were hot black male single coaches there. And since we were of the 6 straight females around, we had really good chances.
Between the game and the after party, BBL and I walked around a bit, and BBL told me how she never gets hit on by women. This was honestly surprising to me as BBL has a lot of lesbian friends, and she is just one of those constantly smiley friendly caretakery ladies. Plus, even though she doesn't remember doing it (the bottle is a cruel mistress, hahahahah), she sometimes dares people to kiss or do other ridiculous things, and says "if you do __________ sister and I will kiss." So I always thought she had a little pinch of gayness to her... but I am guessing lesbians have better gaydar then I do so I am going with the fact that I am wrong.
So we get to the after party and it is at a Mexican restaurant... the kind that turns into a bar at 10 or whatever. It is PACKED with the ladies. Like, if we were not in the middle of the city, I would worry about a bear attack. Boys probably got mad excited about the bar walking by and then went in and were like oh, this is hopeless.
The encounters started with me... and quickly. First, when we walked in we were essentially standing in the middle of the restaurant- tables on either side of us and I felt very much in the way. Then one of the football players teammates LOOKED like she was dodging around me, and I said "sorry I can't seem to get out of the way" and she goes, "I am not trying to dodge you, I am trying to dance with you" and we laughed and I thought that moment was over. But seconds later, she squeezed behind me (please note that there was nothing close enough behind me to warrant the tight body squeeze) running her hands down my back and patting my bum. I looked at BBL and she laughed at me.
Once we spotted the sexy black coaches, I told BBL to not stand so close to me- that I didn't want people to think we are a couple. Then I was explained that we COULDN'T be a couple cause we are two fems.
sidebar- If I was a lesbian, I would do it all the way. Meaning, I would have a beautiful girlfriend and I would never, ever shave my head and I would always wear make up. I find the whole dating a girl that looks like a boy thing ultra confusing.
Then somehow the conversation of "who would be the butch" between me and BBL came up and the football player said BBL. This was confusing to me. First, there isn't a whole lot of difference in the way BBL and I look- she is skinnier than me and has darker hair and fairer skin. I think we are the same amount of pretty. And she was wearing like a pretty sweater thing and I had a tshirt on- granted the boobs were out kind of shirt, but I was not dressed super nicely. Maybe cause I had big earrings? lol who knows.
As the night wore on though, I found out BBL was right, she did not get hit on by girls. SHE GOT THE HOT COACHES. Some butch huh? I, on the other hand, learned that my target audience is gender neutral- you don't have to be a black, fairly ghetto man to like me. You have to just be black and fairly ghetto.
I am saving the best for last so keep that in mind for the time line.
At one point a lesbian who was not on the football team, but was like the hook up friend of one of the players walked in. Only keen eyes like mine, who went to an all-girls college, would even think this was a woman at all. She wore real baggy jeans, a huge jacket, was bald and looked like any thug hanging on a corner of blue hill ave at any given time. Looked like she had been through the ringer- looked like she had shot a gun at someone kind of chick. or at least carried a knife. Anyways, she was tough looking, and mighty scary. And I walked by and she stared at me and said to her friend "Hey, I am still technically single" and proceeded to follow me through the bar. Quickly, I ran into my football player and she started to do that party boy dance thing on me and we laughed, and then baldy pretty much pushed through me to talk to football player. She pointed at me and said "this your woman?"
Really? I am property now?
Then fucking football player, whose actual girlfriend WAS there, totally freaked "no, nonononono, oh my god no, we just went to college together. No. nonono."
Thanks a lot, cunt. A. lets not act like that is the single most insulting thing any one has ever said to you please. and B. WHY AREN'T YOU UNDERSTANDING THE SEVERITY OF THIS SITUATION. This bitch is scary as fuck and already treats me like a possession. Get me out NOW.
So baldy looks up at me and I say "oh yeah I am just a friend visiting... we haven't seen eachother in a long time, I am not....here for that?" and it seemed to work. She walked away. Looked like she was gonna eat me (not in the fun way) for the rest of the night, but at least she didn't talk to me again.
But the last one, she was the worst. Cause I think she took me being nice as flirting, and that can always be a disaster.
When we first got there, BBL, football player, and I went to the bar to get some drinks. We could not physically get to the bar but this big, linebacker looking chick with her dreads in pigtails ordered our drinks for us. I ordered a 7 and 7 but the restaurant didn't know what that was... so I just said whiskey and sprite. Pigtails looks at me and goes "whiskey?" and then gives me a face.
Later in the night I was dancing a little and she came up and kinda danced with me, then leaned in real close and whispered "I can't dance" and walked away. This was odd to me. Is it a secret? Are we sharing secrets now?
After that, she was on the dance floor again and started arguing with me about something (I can't even remember what it was, though now looking back I guess I can see it was all a little cat and mouse flirty) and then I asked football player what pigtails name was again, and pigtails got MAD. So I went straight back up to her, mad challenging, and said "do you remember my name?" and she goes "whiskey" and I said "well that doesn't really count does it?" Again, writing this, I can see how it seemed flirty to someone who was interested, as I kept entertaining it.
Later still, she kept complaining that I was nursing my drinks. I told her I didn't want to get drunk. She asked if I was driving, and I said no. Then she proceeded to try to talk me into getting drunk. When I didn't budge on not drinking, she pulled me over to her between her LEGS by my pant waste and stood up and looked mad intense on me and said "you coming to the game next week?" I pulled myself away from her saying no, I would be in DC. She said "oh are you going for pride week?" I made her repeat it because I didn't understand, but then it dawned on me... this bitch thinks I am gay too! I know, not too swift of me. So I said "oh, no no. I am going to visit a friend" Then pigtails looked at me puzzled, and I could see the "she isn't gay" light go on in her head. Then she looked a little deflated and stopped talking to me completely for the night.
I stand corrected... apparently it was 4 straight girls out of 58 players
ReplyDelete