That time I got spider powers

I mentioned before in my introduction to apartment JoeOil we kind of had a lot of bugs. Not in a gross way because after a little bit we got rid of them all and didn’t need an exterminator, it was just an uninhabited place for so long.
One such bug incident will be forever engrained in my head: the spider that gave me superpowers.
It was an average Friday night, I had class the next morning so I stayed in and watched some TV, did a little bit of cleaning… really just asserting my manliness. I go to throw a paper plate in the trash and notice that there is a large piece of fuzz on the ground. Sister is a shedding beast so I assume it’s a clump of her hair and shit

I reach down

It backs up

Then I see it has legs

Holy shit that is the biggest spider I have ever seen in my entire life! Well spiders in museums and the like are big, but this spider was about the circumference of the IPOD wheel. (You know - that control circle with menu and play.) And that was just the butt of the spider.

So naturally, I vag out. I lose all evidence of man and I grab High-roommate who is the resident bug killer. She is both drunk and high now and bounds out of her room with high friends. They all focus to see what I am freaking out about. Upon seeing the spider High-roommate yells: “FUCK THAT!” and runs back into her room, along with her friends.

They slam the door, then open it enough for their heads to appear, totem polled.

So I get my big Tim’s and head toward the spider. I have seen Arachnophobia, and I cannot let this spider live. It could be some venomous thing; I could be saving lives right now.

So with one boot in each hand I swing my left arm and make direct contact. I know I made contact, High-witnesses saw me make contact, but when I lift my boot it shoots its web at me.

Yes I just hit this fucking beast with a shoe and it shot a web at me.

I turn into a 5-year-old girl

I yell and start wailing on that GIANT ARACHNID as it climbs closer to my body.

After about 6-8 full contact smashes it falls off the line it has on my face

My face, money shot by the spider.

So I continue to wail on it. I am not taking any fucking chances.

After repeated hits the spider is finally down.

I spray it with some Fantastic to make sure that this is dead, and use about a pound of paper-towel to pick it up. I take out the trash. Climb back onto the couch.

It was the scariest moment of my life.

The next day I became a lame photographer for some newspaper even though no one reads them anymore. I only take pictures of Spiderman, and am the only person who can get a picture of the hero. I wonder why.